Charlie's Column

Nonsense to Airmen? Most readers will have come across NOTAMs (Notice to Airmen) that are true head scratchers. Deciphering them is probably a full-time job, sometimes just because of the sheer number of notices published each day. Sometimes, you have to side with the critics of the NOTAM system. Charlie received the following gem recently:

A1554/19 NOTAMN Q) VTBB/QFAHX/IV/NBO/A/000/999/1355N10036E005 A) VTBD B) 1906301700 C) 1909301659 E) BIRD CONCENTRATION IN VICINITY OF AD TYPE OF BIRDS: PAINTED STORK, GREY HERON, BLACK-HEADED IBIS, PURPLE HERON, OPEN-BILL STORK, BRAHMINY KITE, BLACK-SHOULDERED KITE, CRESTED SERPENT-EAGLE,LESSER WHISTLING DUCK, GREAT EGRET, INTERMEDIATE EGRET, CATTLE EGRET, LITTLE EGRET, BLACK-CROWNED NIGHT HERON, BARN OWL, LITTLE CORMORANT BIRD WEIGHT: FM 300 UP TO 3000 GRAMS MAX FLOCK LARGE SIZE: 26 BIRDS.

This one raises so many questions. How do they know the birds will stick to a maximum flock of 26? Who named these birds – in particular the “intermediate egret” and the “lesser whistling duck”? And does it matter much which exact species end up in your engine or on the windshield?

But possibly even more mind-numbing is the following one:

F2298/19 NOTAMN Q) ZSHA/OXXXA/VINBOIA/N00/999/30T4N12020E005 A) ZSHC B) 1905050852 C) PERM E) REF AlP CHINA SUP 15/16(20 18-5-15) ZSHC AD2.24 -2Z0G, MORSE CODE OF IXX CHANGE FM ‘DOT,DOT’, ‘DASH,DOT,DOT,- DASH’, ‘DOT,DOT,DOT’ TO ‘DOT,DOT’, ‘DASH,DOT,DOT,DASH’, ‘DASH,DOT,DOT,DASH’, OTHERS REMAIN.

Charlie can only say: ‘DOT DASH’ DASH, ‘DASH’, ‘DOT DOT DASH DOT’

Notice to Passengers? The Airport Authority of India found it necessary to issue an order to passengers using their facilities. Here at Charlie, we didn’t realise that carpet eating was an issue in Indian airports. It’s not clear whether the order applies to passengers who bring their own carpet or whether it only concerns the terminal’s floor decorations. In any case, if you’re traveling to India, avoid bringing carpet as a snack!

Plastic Terror These days, there are a lot of things that could get you in trouble with the security staff at an airport: toothpaste, nail files, snow globes, Star Wars themed Coke bottles and what have you. But how does something like a grenade-shaped travel set make it through a board meeting? What marketing research concluded that anyone would buy this? Does it come with a manual on how to argue with security staff that yes, they are shaped like a grenade, but they’re only 100 ml? Again, so many questions and so little answers.

Eco Terror Climate change activists are very critical of the role aviation plays in messing with our planet’s climate. But one action took things a step further: during an action of Extinction Rebellion at London City’s airport, one activist – a visually impaired Paralympic athlete – climbed on top of an aircraft instead of taking his seat inside. Live streaming his action to Facebook, he said it was "scary" because he hated heights, felt cold and hoped they would get him down soon – well duh… The action was probably planned by the same marketing team that thought plastic hand grenade-shaped bottles were an excellent idea. y

Photo: Twitter

Photo: Internet

Photo: Internet