Fall 2018 by Just Between Us

E N C O U RA G I N G & E Q U I P P I N G W O M E N F O R A L I F E O F FA I T H Fall 2018

www.justbetweenus.org

Blessed Are the Unsatisfied

by Amy Simpson, pg16

Overcoming Secondhand Worry

by Barb Roose, pg14

24 Storing God’s Word in Your Heart 30 Loving the Foreign Women Among Us

45 How to Deal with a Cyberbully 1

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34 Our Marriage Survived My Husband’s Porn Addiction

Elisa Morgan speaks out of the

deepest, most honest places of the soul— and my soul is always the richer—and moved closer to Jesus—for the listening.

—Ann Voskamp

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Author of the New York Times bestsellers One Thousand Gifts and The Broken Way

Explore this two-sided prayer masterpiece through Jesus’s example in the garden of Gethsemane and discover the intimacy He died to provide.

Visit theprayercoin.org for special offers! Available wherever books are sold 2

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Welcome from the Editor

word, a phrase, or an entire article, but I can promise you without a doubt that God has a word of hope for you some place in this issue. I’m already praying that you will hear it! Whether this is your very first issue or you’ve been with us for years, we’re so glad you’ve come along on this faith journey with us. We are a group of sisters who walk alongside one another through the power of the written and living word. For those of you who are new to our family, we decided to focus on the word hope this year. In the last several issues, we’ve talked a lot about how we can find hope for ourselves. In this issue, our featured interview on page 18 focuses on bringing hope to those without it. I can’t wait for you to meet Susy McNally from Living Hope International, a ministry to street children in Puebla, Mexico. I know you’ll be inspired by her story. It’s always amazing how God uses ordinary women to do extraordinary things for Him when we say yes, even if it’s a faint one! This issue is more focused on bringing hope to others walking through challenging circumstances. We are often asked how to deal with topics affecting our friends, families, and coworkers today. These are opportunities to share the hope of Christ. We pray you will use the articles personally and as resources for others—the equipping part of our mission at JBU. It’s my prayer that God will use this issue to grab your heart and get your attention down deep in your soul—and that you will hear hope throughout its pages! Until next time,

Shelly Esser has been the editor of Just Between Us for the last 28 years.

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I recently attended a conference that took me completely by surprise. I thought I was going to learn how to love others more effectively. With my notebook in hand, I leaned in with my full attention, looking forward to writing down the nuggets that would be most helpful. Instead, the Lord did business with my soul in a way I have not encountered in a very long time. Something unexpected happened deep in my spirit as the speaker spoke. I hadn’t realized how hopeless I had become until she shared her powerful redemption story. She said at one point, “We all need to hear hope.” That was certainly true for me, and that phrase has stuck with me. Why? Because there’s something extremely powerful in hearing people’s stories—to hear firsthand how God miraculously works in a person’s life gives us hope that He can do that for me too. And God uses stories of hope to restore us—I know it did me. Sometimes we forget just how mighty God is to intervene in our little earth lives, and how His redeeming power can transform our messy places. I felt much like a little flower that had closed up when all life’s stresses had come and like the light of hope began one by one opening up my fragile petals so I was able to fully receive all that God had for me that day. It’s as if He watered my soul— and He used hope to do it. To hear a message of hope at just the right moment can change your life—in fact, it can forever transform it. That’s our prayer for you…that as you read through this issue you will hear God’s words of hope and be changed by them. Maybe, like me, you’ve come here and your soul needs a watering. It may come in a

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Contents vol 28 no 4 F A L L 2 0 1 8

Secondhand Worry Is your worry about other people’s problems robbing your peace and joy? by Barb Roose

Blessed Are the Unsatisfied Finding freedom from the pursuit of things beyond your daily bread.

24 30 My Living Library Discovering how God’s Word can find a home in your heart.

Befriending the Foreigner Making a difference through love and hospitality.

by Sandy Mayle

by Gail Goolsby

by Amy Simpson

E N C O U RA Fall 2018

QUIPPIN GING & E

H E O F FA I T FOR A LIF G WOMEN

org

etweenus. www.justb

the Blessed Are Unsatisfied g Overcomin Secondhand Worry son, pg16 by Amy Simp

s Word 24 Storing God’ t in Your Hear Foreign 30 Loving the ng Us Women Amo iage 34 Our Marr Survived My Husband’s Porn Addiction 45 How to Dealy a Cyberbull

with

018 us F A L L 2 just between

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, pg14 by Barb Roose

FOR SUBSCRIPTIONS call toll-free 800-260-3342, or visit our website justbetweenus.org. From Canada call 262-786-6478.

The Storm of Porn Three truths to keep you afloat if pornography hits your marriage and a sidebar written by Craig Ferguson on “Five Things Every Woman Should Know About Her Husband’s Porn Addiction.” by Jen Ferguson

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www.justbetweenus.org

Contents

CREDITS

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03 7

Web Debbie Wicker

General Manager Mary Perso

Renewals Manager Nancy Krull

Assistant Editor Suzan Braun

Marketing Andrea Buchanan Julie Santiago

Art Director Kelly Perso

Kisses from Katie Bits & Pieces

Editor Shelly Esser

Editorial Assistants Aubrey Adams Carol Becwar Constance B. Fink Gayle Gengler Betty Hinds Cherry Hoffner Jen Symmonds Susan Vanselow

Between You and Me Joni’s Corner

Circulation Manager Suzan Braun

Web Director Mary Ann Prasser

I N S P I R AT I O N Welcome Letter

Executive Editor Jill Briscoe

Advisory Board Anita Carman Pam Farrel Judy Briscoe Golz Nancy Grisham Pam MacRae Elizabeth Murphy Jackie Oesch Stephanie Seefeldt

Transparent Moments

Donor Development Associate/ Social Media Ashley Schmidt Subscriptions Julie Matthews Barb Pechacek Mary Richards Lin Sebena Software Support Rebecca Loesche Photographer Wayde Peronto/ Babboni Photography

ADVERTISING Ellie Dunn For more information call 856.582.0690 ext. 2# or email ellie@carldunn.com.

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26 18 26

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FA I T H C O N V E R S AT I O N S Trading in the White Picket Fence Susy McNally brings hope and healing to hundreds of street children in Mexico. by Rebecca Hansen 18

MANUSCRIPTS/QUERIES (cannot be returned) Send requests for writer’s guidelines and all manuscripts to: Just Between Us, Editor 777 S. Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045

Email: submissions@justbetweenus.org

F E AT U R E S

ENCOURAGEMENT

Singled Out How to bridge the gap between marrieds and singles in the church.

Real Faith

by Angela Cirocco 26

Walking Alongside a Depressed Spouse How a wife can make a difference. by Terry Powell 28

Healthy Emotions Chronic Hope It is Well

The Homefront

The Deeper Life

Digital Wellness

Between Friends

SUBSCRIPTIONS Subscription Price: $19.95 per year for four issues. Outside US, add $6 per year prepaid US currency; $5 in Canada. Gift Your Ministries: Group subscriptions are now available at reduced rates. Encourage and inspire the women who make ministry happen at your church or other places of outreach or service to others. Energize their relationships, refresh their faith, and become equipped as a team for facing ministry challenges through JBU. For more information, call 800-260-3342 today! Just Between Us (ISSN 1069-3459) is published quarterly by Just Between Us, 777 South Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045-3701. Make all checks and money orders payable to: Just Between Us, Subscription Orders 777 S. Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045 To order by phone, or for more information: call 800.260.3342. From Canada call 262.786.6478. Email: jbu@justbetweenus.org Website: www.justbetweenus.org Periodical Postage Paid at Brookfield, WI and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Just Between Us, 777 S. Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045. Just Between Us is a member publication of the Evangelical Press Association. Copyright ©2018 by Just Between Us. All rights reserved. Printed in USA. We occasionally share subscriber mailing addresses with select organizations. If you would like your name removed from direct mail promotional lists, please call 800-260-3342 or email jbu@justbetweenus.org.

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Between You and Me “Be sensitive to the Spirit’s leading this week so you can practice servanthood by asking the people that come your way, ‘What can I do for you?’” and read it. The list was long, the lady was not particularly appreciative of my efforts, and I left feeling decidedly dejected. I determined to have a word with Jenny as soon as possible and tell her what I thought about her great idea of asking “the question.” I also decided to stay out of the girl’s way at church. Jenny merely laughed when I told her the story, remarking that God would use the effort even if my spirit had been less than sweet! Sure enough, the girl found me again, happily gave me another list, and said she would expect me every Tuesday from then on! Struggling with the whole thing, I turned up the next Tuesday, and then the next and the next. One day, long after I had given up expecting it, someone thanked me. It was the lady’s brother. “Why should a young lady like yourself make yourself a servant to strangers?” he asked me. I told him, “Because I am a Christian and Jesus said we should be servants of all.” I must admit I felt like a huge hypocrite. But from then on, all sorts of relatives appeared when I was working through my list, and the Lord began a ministry through me that spilled out beyond the walls of the lady’s room. Then I understood what was happening in me as the Spirit of God began creating a servant spirit that was just as important as what was happening through me—the witnessing to the family. He was making me like Him. It was a little time before I dared ask “the question” again! But through the years I have never been out of work for the Lord by using that very simple question. Be sensitive to the Spirit’s leading this week so you can practice servanthood by asking the people that come your way, “What can I do for you?” In His Joy,

Jill Briscoe is the Executive Editor of Just Between Us. She is also a popular author and international speaker living in suburban Milwaukee, Wis., with her husband Stuart.

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Jenny, the girl who led me to Christ, told me to wake up every morning and go out into a new day looking for people to bless. I didn’t know what she meant as I had been somewhat of a curse before my conversion! “How do you ‘be a blessing’ instead of a curse?” I asked her. “Every time you meet someone ask, ‘What can I do for you?’” she answered. Now this was pretty radical for me as I was used to asking people, “What can you do for me?” not “What can I do for you?” But I found out that it worked! And that was the way I learned to be a blessing and cultivate a servant spirit. One of the first times I asked the question was in a church I joined when I was a student teacher. There was a sad-looking girl sitting in the pew in front of me. I introduced myself, and after talking to her for a bit, I asked “the question.” “What can I do for you?” I inquired with a bright but somewhat false smile. Immediately she brightened up and said, “Oh, do you really mean you want to do something for me?” “Yes,” I answered, feeling a bit apprehensive at her eager response. “I am my mother’s caregiver,” she said. “She is an invalid, and though I care for her, I have to work as well. Could you come and do some housecleaning for us? I never have time to do any of the extra things that need doing around the house.” My heart sank. I had never liked housecleaning. I didn’t want to do my own, never mind hers! I had expected her to say, “Will you come and read the Bible to my mother and tell her about the Lord?” That would have been fine, but not this! She didn’t seem to notice my apprehension as by now she was so excited and saying, “Tomorrow? I’ll tell you how to get there, and I’ll leave you a list.” And she was gone. The next day I apprehensively approached the house. What would she ask me to do? I had thought a lot about the list she had promised me, and I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to go inside

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Joni’s Corner

heart-to-heart with Joni Eareckson Tada

Email me! response@ joniandfriends.org.

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Visit my site! joniandfriends.org

Lessons from a Hospital Bed I know hospitals. I wish I didn’t, but over the years, I’ve become all too acquainted with their stale corridors and ice-cold operating rooms. It started back in 1967 when a reckless dive into shallow water snapped my neck, leaving me a quadriplegic. When they rushed me to the hospital on that hot, July afternoon, I had no idea my discharge wouldn’t be until April 1969. One morning I was lying on a gurney in the hallway outside a urology clinic. After two hours of waiting and counting ceiling tiles, a lab worker came through the doors to announce I’d be “first after lunch break.” I moaned. My shoulders were already hurting from lying flat so long. As the urology staff headed to the cafeteria, my heart sank. I nearly choked in a flood of fear and claustrophobia. Crying was out. There was no one around to wipe my tears. I decided to comfort my soul with the hymn, Be Still, My Soul. In no more than a whisper, I sang a favorite from church choir: Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side; Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change He faithful will remain!

Be still my soul, thy best, thy heavenly Friend Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end! I was only 17 years old, or maybe 18, but that moment defined how I would engage life in a hospital. My stay would not be a jail sentence. Come hell or high water, I purposed that this hospital would be a gymnasium for my soul. It would be a proving ground for my faith and a mission field for God. Sound improbable for a teenager? It is. Looking back, it was. But I was enough of a Christ-follower to know I had to hold on to biblical hope or else I would go crazy. Yes, I was still wrestling against depression, and still struggling with how to actually live without use of my hands or legs—even after I was released from the hospital in 1969— but I would not allow myself to sink into despair. That small resolute act made all the difference, not only then, but setting the bar high years later for my battle against stage III cancer and chronic pain. May I encourage you to do the same? You don’t have to be in a hospital or be a wheelchair-user like me. There will be times when you feel like you’re going crazy, struggling, and wondering how you’ll ever live through your hardships or heartaches. Take it from a veteran: do not let yourself sink into despair. Set the bar high in your battle against despondency by holding onto biblical hope. Find an anchor in Scripture, such as a favorite psalm or a snippet of a proverb. Pick

a timeless stanza from a rousing, old hymn or memorize a few lines from an inspirational poem. Use that Scripture, hymn, or poem as your stake in the ground, your resolute act of defiance against discouragement. And above all, trust in God. I repeat, trust in God. Just do it. Your hardships can do genuine good for your soul. You really can leave behind any spirit of complaint and move forward into a livelier, more robust confidence in God’s plan. As John Piper wrote, “Don’t waste your suffering.” Look at your afflictions this fall season, not as a jail sentence, but as a gymnasium for your soul. For the Christian, there is nothing more satisfying than leaving behind your woes and rejoicing in the will of God. It’s the best, perhaps the only, way to engage life!

Joni Eareckson Tada, the founder of Joni and Friends International Disability Center, is an advocate for people with disabilities, providing Christ-centered programs for special-needs families through retreats. She has also delivered over 100,000 wheelchairs and Bibles to disabled people in developing nations. A diving accident in 1967 left Joni, then 17, a quadriplegic. Her new daily devotional, A Spectacle of Glory, contains fresh biblical insights from her battle with cancer and chronic pain. Joni also serves as general editor of the new Beyond Suffering Bible, a special edition published by Tyndale for those who suffer from chronic conditions, and their caregivers. She and her husband, Ken, live in Calabasas, Calif.

An Inspirational Story of One Womanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

G LO B A L I M PAC T

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Kisses from Katie

living the surrendered life with Katie Davis Majors

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Visit my site! amazima.org

He Wants You! It has been 10 years since my feet first stepped onto this red dirt to call this place home. A decade. Sometimes, it feels like a very long time, but sometimes it feels like only a blink. I moved across the ocean with something that I thought was hope, but in reality was more like a naïve optimism. I had a young, but confident faith in whom I thought Jesus to be and a wild spirit for adventure. If I could go back and do it all over again, I might do some things differently. I would live more graciously, but in saying that, I might discredit the grace of God who worked so tremendously in my naiveté. Only He can get any credit. Today I sit, remember, and giggle at the bold and inexperienced 18 year old who thought she might change the world. I didn’t know then, but the truth sinks deep into my bones now: it’s not our productiveness for God that counts, it is our worship—our time at His feet. It isn’t our public life, the accolades, the “well-done’s” that matter, but it is our silent, continuous reach for Him in the places where no one is watching. It isn’t our “world changing” that makes any difference, but the way we let Him change and shape our hearts to reflect more of His heart.

One of my favorite characters in the Bible is Mary of Bethany. By the world’s standards, she didn’t do anything extraordinary. She just sat at Jesus’ feet while her sister ran around serving. She poured her life savings in perfume over Him while others looked on and called it a waste. I think Mary knew this secret—the one I didn’t know at 18. The only thing that matters is Him. Not what we do for Him, but that we know Him. Ten years in Uganda has brought me my husband, my babies, my dearest friends, my best days, and my worst days. This place has held my greatest trials and my biggest celebrations. This place has become home. But, something so much more extraordinary has happened—I have found my home in Him. This decade has brought me, like Mary, to sit at His feet. I have known Jesus more intimately than I originally thought possible. He met me here when the trials were too great and the night was too long. He invited me to sit at His feet—to know the better thing—a relationship with Him. When my story was not what I expected, He picked up each piece, held it tenderly, and wrote His name on the pieces of my story and on my heart. Jesus took my wild-eyed desire for adventure and showed me that the greatest adventure would be in allowing Him to peel back the layers of my heart. He showed me that He didn’t desire my productivity; He desired me. All of me, poured out before Him.

I don’t know what season of life you are in today. Perhaps you are like me, now watching your babies grow in front of your eyes and marveling at all God has done that is so beyond what you could have dreamed up or imagined. Or maybe you’re like me 10 years ago, with absolutely no idea of what God is going to do, baffled as He strips away all the “good” plans you have and replaces them with His. Either way, I know this: He wants you. He wants your worship. He sees you reaching for Him when no one else is looking, when no one sees or recognizes your tireless serving, and when there is no applause. You are beautiful to Him. His eyes are on you, and He is pleased with who He made in you. Let’s find ourselves at His feet today. We may pour out tears, we may pour out praise, or we may pour out a bit of both. Jesus, who cups our faces in His hands, wants every bit. His arms stretched out to you are safe; His gaze toward you is loving. His deep desire is that you would know Him and be known by Him.

Katie Davis Majors lives in Uganda, and she and her husband, Benji, are the parents of 13 adopted daughters and one son. In 2008, she started Amazima Ministries International, a non-profit organization to meet the physical, emotional, educational, and spiritual needs of the people of Uganda (amazima.org). Additionally, she is the author of Kisses for Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption, and her newest book, Daring to Hope. Follow Katie’s blog at katiedavis.amazima.org.

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Bits & Pieces

for everyday faith and life

Finding Rest

How Do I Make Good Decisions? When you’re faced with a decision, here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if the voice you hear is God speaking to you: • Is it consistent with Scripture? • It is consistent with the character of God?

In today’s fast-paced world, it’s important to build rest into your life. Your body, mind, and soul need time to replenish, to refresh. Here are some ideas to help you do that. • Choose one day a week to pause from your normal routine. Do things on this day that fill you up. • What are the things that are draining you? Actively choose times to turn off your computer, phone, TV, etc. Be an active participant in rest.

• Does it lead to change or growth? • Does it lead to restoration of relationships? • Is there a sense of healing and a release from past sin or pain?

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~Lysa TerKeurst

“The heart of hospitality is about creating space for someone to feel seen and heard and loved. It’s about declaring your table a safe zone, a place of warmth and nourishment.” ~ Shauna Niequist

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”

• Does it lead to conviction instead of guilt?

~ Hebrews 6:19

~ from Come To Me by Elaine Hamilton and Kathy Escobar.

• Make a practice of resting with your family. Pause from your normal routine. What helps to make your family flourish?

~ from God’s Wisdom for Women by Patricia Miller and Rachel Gorman

“Settle in your soul that you were created by God who formed you because He so very much loved the very thought of you!”

• Is there a sense of peace, a lessening of anxiety, a feeling of contentment where once there was striving?

• Choose times to follow Jesus’ examples of rest in Matthew 12, and use your day of rest to love and serve others. You may find it fills you, rather than depletes you.

• Create routines that remind you of the Lord of Rest. Begin and end your day with rest. Pray as you wake—trust that God will be working for your good, and His, throughout your day. Pray before you sleep—trust that God will care for you as your body rests.

Words of Wisdom

Write Us! Please send your short (250 words or less) snippets to: submissions@ justbetweenus.org.

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Transparent Moments breakthrough insights with Anita Carman

Visit my site! inspirewomen.org

Our crosses were never meant to overwhelm us because God designed us to have victory at the cross! When I find myself in a pity party, I know I am irritated because of an inconvenience or disruption. I am especially irritated when what is on my plate is something God allowed. Why would He allow something on my plate and throw me off course? In my downward spiral, God gently reminded me of His divine mandate in Genesis for us to subdue the earth. God used the word “subdue” because our charge was to take under our authority the things that would resist us in this world.

Challenges were not designed to overcome us, but to offer us an opportunity to display God’s power. Instead of coveting those whose houses were spared, God helped me to pick up my cross and ask, “How will this cross help me reach my community? What can I do to turn a disaster into an opportunity to become relevant in my community?” I researched how to flood-proof a house and implement a landscape design that not only beautified the property, but also served as a moat around the house. I have no guarantee the design will work, but I found power when I started to act as one God had authorized to subdue the earth instead of responding as a victim to my circumstances. Truthfully, I would not have chosen to carry the cross of enduring multiple floods, but I have discovered God’s greater purpose in the crosses He has chosen for me. Our crosses were never meant to overwhelm us because God designed us to have victory at the cross! On the cross on which Jesus died and in the crosses God chooses for us to carry, life is redefined. Anita Carman is the Founder and President of Inspire Women, an organization that inspires women across ethnicities, denominations, and economic levels to connect their lives to God’s purpose. It also funds biblical resources and scholarships to train women for missions and ministry. She has an M.B.A. and M.A.B.S. from Dallas Theological Seminary. Anita writes a regular devotional and is author of Transforming for a Purpose and A Daughter’s Destiny. She lives in Houston, Tex., with her husband, Robert; they have two sons.

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Carrying Your Cross After Hurricane Harvey hit Houston, a friend shared her storm story with me. She gave me permission to share it with others. She spoke of her agony when she saw an image her son had posted of himself to social media that revealed he had been drinking. She felt helpless knowing he had an alcohol problem and was driving in the storm waters while inebriated. As she prayed for him, the Holy Spirit brought a Scripture to her mind that surprised her. In fact, the Scripture touched her like a sword that separated truth from falsehood: God was telling her not to covet her neighbors. At first, she was confused over the relevance of the verse. But then she saw God had laser vision and pointed out how she resented the alcoholism in her family and how she had been coveting the lives of women whose children did not struggle with addiction. She confessed her resentment and accepted the cross God allowed her to carry. Hers was to help her children through their addiction to alcohol. God used the flood to purify her heart. In the midst of devastation, God can connect the broken parts of our lives and make sense of them. Nothing in her family’s situation had changed, but there was a light-

ness in her voice and peace in her spirit. She chose to accept the cross God chose for her to carry. Her testimony caused me to reflect on my own crosses God had chosen for me to carry. Do I resent my crosses? Do I say, “Why did my house flood when there is so much on my plate?” Do I envy those who have the resources to move or to buy another house? Do I live in the pity party of “If only the wind had blown Hurricane Harvey away from my house?”

worry SECONDHAND

Are you worried about someone else’s problems?

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by Barb Roose

Do you tend to worry about the problems of other people? One day, my friend Leah called me near her breaking point. However, the problems causing her distress were not her own, but rather Leah’s adult children. She was paying her son’s legal fees and afraid that he could go to jail. Leah was losing sleep over her single, adult daughter’s unplanned pregnancy and financial instability. Both situations left Leah emotionally and financially drained. Leah’s anxiety over her children’s problems is known as “secondhand worry.” Like secondhand smoke, secondhand worry sufferers experience all of the physical and emotional symptoms of worry, except that they are anxious and stressed about problems that are not their own. Do these scenarios sound familiar to you? Your son didn’t finish his science project, and you’re stressed out because if he gets a failing grade he won’t play in the upcoming game. Your 30-year-old sister is a free spirit, but you often feel anxious or panicky because she has no health insurance and often calls to borrow money.

What are the four signs that you might be suffering from a case of secondhand worry? 1. You’re stressed out or losing sleep at night over someone else’s persistent irresponsible behavior, ongoing financial issues, or immaturity. 2. You keep bailing the same people out by making excuses, giving, or lending money. 3. You are afraid to let them experience difficulty or failure because you’re worried that they’ll suffer loss or lose future opportunities. 4. You don’t want to see them struggle because you’re worried that they will get discouraged and give up.

What do you need to do in order to break free from secondhand worry? My secondhand worry raged when I was worried about one of my kids. She was struggling with a medical diagnosis, and I wanted to make the rest of her life smoother since she already had a big challenge. However, the stress and worry over her life was messing me up. I went to a Christian counselor to help me figure things out. The only problem was that my counselor, Tim, didn’t comfort me at all. Instead, he challenged me to stop playing God in my daughter’s life by trying to fix her problems. He summed up his challenge with wisdom I consider to be the prescription to cure secondhand worry: “We have to let the people in our lives discover their need for God.” Tim’s advice was put to the test when that daughter was a senior in high school. She abruptly stopped doing her homework and put her graduation in jeopardy. As her parents, we had to manage our fears for her future and trust God with her in the moment. My husband and I stepped back and let her deal with her teachers and the consequences of her decisions. She did great! While her post-high school plans had to change, our daughter worked hard to get herself back on track. When we stepped out of the way, she could follow God along her journey. Four years later, she’s working in a job she loves and has grown in confidence and maturity. Could it be that some of the people in your life aren’t getting on their knees and calling out to God because you’re too busy playing God in their lives? As long as you are playing God in your spouse, children, or friends’ lives, they don’t see the need or feel the pressure. But, when you allow the bill to go unpaid or let the car get repossessed, you allow the natural consequences of their irresponsibility to surface for them to see and deal with, including the pain of their bad choices. A failing grade or a few days in jail might be the turning point your loved one needs to call out to God and change their irresponsible path in life. Yes, watching people suffer for their irresponsible behavior is tough, but it’s even more tragic to watch them suffer over and over again because you won’t let them learn from their mistakes. Who do you need to let discover their need for God? Barb Roose is a popular speaker and author who is passionate about connecting women to one another and to God. Her goal is to equip women to win at life with Christ-empowered strength and dignity. Roose enjoys teaching and encouraging women at conferences and events across the country and abroad. Her latest book is Winning the Worry Battle: Life Lessons from the Book of Joshua along with the companion Bible study.

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What happens when we don’t find a cure for our secondhand worry? We end up taking responsibility for others. Even worse, we unknowingly hijack the important lessons they need to learn on their relational, financial, and spiritual journeys in life. (If you’re familiar with recovery principals, secondhand worry can lead to enabling or support codependency.) In Joshua 9, the Gibeonites living in the land of Canaan heard about the Israelites’ campaign into the Promised Land and their overwhelming victories at Jericho and Ai. The Gibeonites were afraid for their lives, so “they resorted to deception to save themselves” (Josh. 9:4). The Gibeonites sent ambassadors out to see Joshua and the leaders. They told the Israelites that they had traveled from a distant land to make a peace treaty. As Joshua inspected the travelers, he saw their worn out clothing and old wineskins. The leaders questioned the travelers again and asked them again if they lived close by because God forbid the Israelites from making a treaty with the people who lived in Canaan. The Gibeonites lied to the Israelites about how far they traveled out. It was a long and detailed story fueled by fear and worry. Whenever we’ve got someone in our lives struggling with personal responsibility, it’s tempting to believe their sad stories at face value. We feel bad for them and want to help. We can get so caught up in the details of their story that we lose sight of the actual facts. How often have you heard a frequently unemployed person in your life give you a lengthy discourse about how their most recent job loss was not their fault? How many excuses has your teenager given for not completing homework, or how many long stories has your teenager told you about the unfair behavior of a teacher? Joshua and the Israelite leaders got caught up in the facts of the Gibeonites’ story and in doing so, they made a critical error. In Joshua 9:14 it says, “So the Israelites examined their food, but they did not consult the LORD.” As a result, the Israelites made a treaty with the Gibeonites. Shortly afterward, Joshua and the leaders discovered that they had been fooled. The rest of the Israelites became very angry with them because the people already knew the suffering that came from disobedience. Now, the Israelites were responsible for the welfare and future of people who had deceived them out of fear and worry. Secondhand worry can be costly, both in the shortterm and long-term, for everyone involved.

BLESSED ARE THE

UNSATISFIED Finding freedom from the pursuit of things beyond your daily bread.

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by Amy Simpson

Contentment is a true challenge for me. My personality and temperament tell me that if something good is going to happen, I’d better make it happen. And in general, because I tend toward perfectionism, I’m very much attracted to the idea that I can finally get it right. But I can’t really get it right—and neither can you. Contentment requires us to embrace this truth, among other things, and this kind of acceptance is where contentment and unsatisfaction meet. When we learn to stop asking the world for more than it can give us, and stop asking ourselves to live up to impossible standards, we begin our journey toward both embracing unsatisfaction and living with contentment. At first glance, contentment and unsatisfaction may look like an odd couple. How can I be content if I’m unsatisfied? But they really do get along well. Contentment, as a discipline, does not 16

demand perfection. When we someday return to the world we were made for and achieve total satisfaction in a fully restored relationship with God, all our needs and desires will be fully gratified. Contentment will be obsolete. For now, contentment is necessary precisely because we are unsatisfied. Being intentionally unsatisfied is not the same as being dissatisfied. Contentment requires us to embrace what is, rather than chase the charms of a life that isn’t ours. If we are seeking full satisfaction in this life, we actively work against our efforts at contentment. By contrast, contentment plays an important role in the unsatisfied life.

CONTENTMENT DEFINED

Contentment isn’t a reflection of our circumstances or any part of the external world. Rather, it’s an internal state of affairs that reflects the condition of our mind and spirit. Richard A. Swenson calls contentment a secret path to freedom: Freedom from wanting more than is good for us. Freedom to wish blessing on everyone we meet without the slightest tinge of envy. Freedom to redefine wealth and possessions in biblical rather than cultural terms. Freedom to gladly surrender our strife and have it replaced by His rest.

Freedom to understand that one heart, inhabited by Christ, is enough to take on the world’s opinion machine. An important part of defining contentment is distinguishing it from some of the things it’s not: • Contentment is not resignation—just accepting things as they are because you believe they can’t be better or because you feel helpless. Contentment is not apathy—being fine with everything simply because you really don’t care. • Contentment is not delusion or self-induced blindness— sticking your head in the sand or blinding yourself with palliative sayings like “everything happens for a reason” and “it will all work out in the end.” • Contentment is not Pollyannaish optimism—believing bad circumstances are always good, nothing is a tragedy, and life has no room for grief. In contentment, we can care deeply, live competently, and courageously face life as it really is. We can appreciate pain for its benefits. We can live peacefully with a heart that knows it has not yet been satisfied and remains open to longing for what is to come. It is the mindset that can sing “It Is Well with My Soul” when it looks as if we have lost everything.

CONTENTMENT IN THE CHRISTIAN LIFE

Contentment is a significant topic addressed in Scripture, and clearly it’s part of our calling as Christians. So much so that a wise man named Agur son of Jakeh made a counterintuitive request of God, which I need to learn to pray, immortalized in Proverbs 30:8-9: Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, “Who is the Lord?” Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.

UNSATISFIED CONTENTMENT

How does contentment fit into the unsatisfied life? Let’s look at Philippians 4:13 for a clue. Right after Paul claims to have learned the secret to contentment

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This is a compelling picture of contentment. And in a sense, this is a prayer for unsatisfaction—for the fulfillment of only immediate needs. This is because unsatisfaction—not dissatisfaction, desperation, or superabundance—provides the best environment for contentment to grow. It makes sense to pray for only our daily bread. Having only what we need is good for our spiritual condition if we embrace its benefits and learn to be content rather than constantly striving for more. Let me acknowledge that we should not be content with everything. The world we live in is undeniably broken and full of tragedy. None of us is who we were made to be, and we’re always in need of growth and correction. We should not be content to overlook injustice, ignore the effects of rebellion against God, or allow people to suffer when we can do something to help. We should not be content with our own level of goodness at any given point. I’m not talking about complacency. True contentment does not cause us to stop caring about the world; it enables us to care for others when our own circumstances aren’t what we would choose for ourselves. It halts our constant striving for more, draws our eyes off ourselves and our own comfort so we can live missionally and with God-given purpose. We have far more to gain from contentment than from all the wealth and happy circumstances we are so easily convinced will make our lives enjoyable.

regardless of his circumstances, he writes this: “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” It’s easy to interpret this verse to mean we can do anything because we have Jesus on our side, making us stronger than we would be on our own. If we’re honest, what we really mean is, “I can do whatever I want to do, and I’ll be successful because God will make sure it happens.” But these are gross misuses of this verse. Yes, we can also do “all this” through Christ, who gives us strength. But the “all this” to which God calls us will not satisfy us or make us perfectly safe and comfortable in this life. It almost certainly will involve some kind of suffering. The consistency of Christ’s presence, and the experience of drawing on His strength, is the true secret to contentment. Because it goes against our nature, embracing contentment requires discipline. Here are some specific practices that can help us foster contentment while remaining unsatisfied. • Look for strength outside yourself. The only one capable of putting you back together will be the one who made you in the first place. Go ahead and submit to God’s authority and wisdom. • Feed the right appetites. Indulge the desires that bring you true life and fulfillment, not the ones that just leave you wanting more of things that ultimately hurt you. • Be realistic. Contentment is within closer reach when you keep expectations for your life at a level that’s actually attainable. • Celebrate! Celebration fuels contentment by helping us focus on what we have rather than what we don’t. If you believe satisfaction is a prerequisite for contentment, I challenge you to try embracing both unsatisfaction and contentment, just for one day, and see how the combination shifts your mindset. See how it pulls you toward your Creator. See how it draws your eyes away from yourself and your attempts at satisfaction. You may find a kind of peace you can’t explain. Contentment means we rest in what we have, knowing our hope is deferred, not dead. And that is the key to why both contentment and unsatisfaction make so much sense for followers of Christ: untamed, captivating, gratuitous hope. We know we will not be disappointed. We know true, complete freedom is coming.

Trading in the White Picket Fence Susy McNally is bringing hope and healing to hundreds of street children in Mexico.

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by Rebecca Hansen

faith conversations

Susy McNally, a wife and mother of three young children, reached for the next diaper to hang on the clothesline in a remote village in Mexico.

JBU: Tell us about your calling. Susy: It has always been to “the least of these.” After spending 10 years ministering to the Mixteco Indians of Mexico, we were asking God where He wanted us next. That’s when we found a little boy living in the streets of Mexico. God birthed in both of us that there is a lost generation on the streets of Mexico. If the church doesn’t rescue this next generation of kids, 20 years from now, they are going to be a generation of lost adults. It is our vision to rescue them and raise them up as leaders.

JBU: Describe the typical street child in Mexico. Susy: As a child on the street, they have to steal, use drugs, and sell their bodies just to get by and have food to eat. Some are extremely young—five, six, seven years old—and yet they may live with gangs because they are without a family. They are beaten, abused, starving, and dirty. The average street child is begging and living without hope.

JBU: What is the greatest heartbreak as you minister to these hopeless kids? Susy: It’s seeing a helpless child who didn’t choose any of the destruction that is in their life,

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At that moment, she began grappling with God. “There has got to be more to life than this! I think I heard You wrong. I want the white picket fence and I want to go back home and live!” Her spirit and body were worn out. Home was in Minnesota, the place where she had met her husband on the rooftop of their church watching fireworks. Soon after they were married, they headed down to the remote indigenous village of Oaxaca in Mexico where they learned Spanish as their second language. No one spoke English, so the only person Susy could speak to was her husband. She had left her family, her church, her country, and her language to follow God and her husband. During their work there, they faced hatred as her husband taught about the love of Jesus to the tribal people. But as his work flourished and more people came to Christ, the danger to himself and his family increased. After years of living in the village, Susy had a life-changing moment that not only changed her but countless others. During her conversation with God at the laundry line, she heard Him speak to her, “Your husband deserves a happy wife and your children deserve a happy mother so choose.” It was a revelation. After much wrestling, Susy chose to be a happy wife and mother. Her circumstances didn’t change, people were still trying to kill her family or drive them out, but her attitude changed. She never looked back. She knew God wasn’t done with them yet in Mexico. She finally found her place in ministry. Her feelings of weakness became strength to protect their children when her husband was away. And she made their home a place of refuge from the outside world. Their obedience to God eventually led them to Puebla, Mexico. Susy’s white picket fence was ex-

changed for a brick wall and wire fencing on an 11acre facility overlooking the Popocatepetl volcano. The facility currently houses 86 children. By changing her mindset that day, she allowed God to guide them on the path to Living Hope International, an organization they began in 1999, which rescues children out of poverty and trains leaders for Christ. It all began when God placed an eight-year-old boy living on the streets in the middle of their lives and then into their home. Their desire to protect him and provide a better life for him was the catalyst to the ministry that has expanded to provide help and hope to thousands of children and families. From this one boy, they could not bear to turn their backs on the hundreds of homeless, orphaned, and abandoned children, many of whom live on the streets among drugs, gangs, prostitution, and kidnapping. Susy has now become the “mother” to hundreds of children. By forgoing the idealized white picket fence and instead following God’s leading, a home was created with more children than Susy could have ever imagined on her own. Susy graciously shared her extraordinary story and work at Living Hope with Just Between Us.

faith conversations

JBU: How can women offer hope to a hopeless world? Susy: By being love. Everyone needs love whether it’s a hug or a word of encouragement or a batch of cookies. It can come in so many different forms. The world is hurting and lacking so much hope. If we can just show God’s love to a hurting world, perhaps it will bring a little hope with it.

Susy with some of the children at the Nations School.

such as being abused with no escape and no means to receive help. It was heart-wrenching when we heard the story of the eight-year-old boy who we took in. He had absolutely no one in the world who would help him—with the exception of the gang members that lived on the street with him. There was abuse in the orphanages too, so the street seemed like the safest place for him. There seems to be so few safe places for children like him. There is a whole generation and people group that are on the streets or in at-risk situations that desperately need help.

Susy: Your area of influence can be right where you are. If you were a plant in a garden, your area of influence would be the plants around you. You can look to the fields, to the hills, and to the mountains, but really, you have to start at home, in your own garden. Your garden is your family, your friends, your school, and your church. In Matthew 25, the parable of the talents speaks of those who are faithful with what they are given. “His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over little, I will set you over much.” You begin where God plants you and watch where He grows you.

JBU: How do you take care of your own heart while hearing the heartbreaking stories and realities of others?

JBU: How can parents instill a desire within their children to serve the Lord?

Susy: I really needed to do that in the beginning years because I had my five children and another 15 to 20 kids in the orphanage to care for. One day I was watching them at the playground and felt overwhelmed by the responsibilities required of me. These kids had such horrific stories and backgrounds and I thought, “How am I going to do this?” God spoke clearly to my heart that day. He said that He is the Father to the fatherless and He will be the One that does it. Not me. He will do the healing and give them hope. It really ripped the burden from me to know that God was going to transform their lives of ashes to ones of hope. I still feel their stories, and cry with them, but am no longer overwhelmed because I know that God is in control.

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JBU: How did you love your own children well with the other children you embraced? Susy: God told me that He would do a work in the street kids that my own kids didn’t need. My kids had a mom and a dad and these street kids have such a void in their lives. They were always searching, “Why wasn’t I loved?” “Why did Mom and Dad abandon me?” God is the Father of the fatherless. I can’t heal these kids. I can be an instrument that God uses, but God has to do the supernatural healing—and we have seen it in the kids here. God is healing them from their pasts and they are excited about their futures. I don’t try to be their mom because, if something happened and I had to leave, I don’t want them to think another mom has left them, so I am “Susy” to them and I pour my love into them. The other adults here are like their aunts and uncles.

JBU: How would you encourage women to care about this world wherever God has them?

Susy: Our children need to see that our God is a living God. That it’s not just about going to church or youth group, but they need to see a God living and moving in their lives and the people around them. We used to do “secret angel” which is blessing others when they are least expecting it. For example, you can go to McDonald’s, buy a meal, and tell your child: “We are going to find someone on the street that looks really needy and bless them with this.” Once they get used to serving, they become excited to look for other opportunities. It gets them starting to look outside of the box for the hurting people they can help.

JBU: What advice do you have for women on the mission field? Susy: You really need to know that you know your calling, because the mission field is hard. Perseverance through trials is key. God is a great God and His grace is sufficient, but there will be times when you face very challenging trials and think, “I can’t do this!” It’s not an easy life, and there are costs that can be great, but God will lead you day by day and step by step. It’s an awesome adventure, this life of faith!

faith conversations

JBU: How has the journey impacted your family? Susy: Our kids grew up on the mission field and I wouldn’t change it for anything. They were missionary kids, they were pastor’s kids, and they were white children in a brown world. We have asked them now, as adults, if they have traumas from their childhood and they said, “We are so thankful for the life we have been able to live.” To hear that as a mom is a blessing.

JBU: How did blessing come out of your willingness to choose a different attitude? Susy: We are able to do what we love to do, and that’s a blessing. Despite all the times that I threw a tantrum saying, “God I can’t handle this!” God was gracious and patted me on the head saying, “You can get through this!”

He is a God of 1,000 chances. If I had my own way, I would have left the tribal village when they were stoning our house and trying to kill my husband. That’s when I had to depend on God. That’s when I made the recommitment to this life He gave me—to being the happy wife and mother He called me to be. Rebecca Hansen is a single mom of two beautiful kids. She has a deep passion for helping the hurting and telling the story of God’s work to those she meets. She lives in Chilton, Wis.

Living Hope International Started in 1999 by Jerry and Susy McNally, Living Hope International is a ministry committed to building communities of hope in underprivileged countries, and ministering to and providing for children, families, and the local communities. Currently, Living Hope International supports numerous ministries in Puebla, Mexico, that provide shelter, nutrition, clothing, education, and development for children and youth who would otherwise be homeless. Theses ministries include: • Esperanza Viva Youth Homes in Puebla, Mexico and Matamoros, Tamaulipas, Mexico (which opened in 2006). They are youth homes dedicated to rescuing and restoring underprivileged, orphaned, abandoned, and street children and youth whose families are unable or unwilling to provide for them. Since 1994, the youth homes have provided help for thousands of children and their families, including full-time care for more than 500 children.

• Nations Church focuses on raising up servants to reach the city of Puebla with the gospel, and fulfilling the Great Commission by going into all the world with the gospel and radical love of Jesus. • La Vina Ministry Training Center is a five-month course providing training for the young leaders of tomorrow, needed to carry on the vision of LHI to the next generation in Mexico and around the world. • Life to the Nations is a Mexican publishing company created to provide quality, Christian materials in Spanish. • Nations Clinic offers medical care to countless at-risk kids and needy families. It’s a fully operational, onsite medical clinic at the Esperanza Viva orphanage in Puebla, Mexico. • Child Sponsorship Program. This is a unique program that provides complete, round-the-clock care for children who have no other safe place to live. This program brings hope and smiles to kids allowing them to be active participants in their lives, meeting both their emotional and physical needs. For more info, visit lovehopemercy.org. ~Shelly Esser

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• Nations School (Pre-K-12 School). Many of the children who arrive at Esperanza Viva Youth Homes are several grades behind their peers or have never attended school. They average a second grade level—yet many are older than 12. The school provides a well-rounded education where students are encouraged to discover and develop their Godgiven gifts. Since it began, more than 500 children have taken classes.

• Missions. The goal is to help youth around the world experience the heart of missions in a hurting world, particularly reaching Latin America, Europe, and Asia with the unconditional love of Jesus.

faith conversations

Graciela The Gift of Childhood Fear enveloped much of Graciela’s early years. At her home in a small village in Mexico, alcoholism and physical abuse was prevalent. When her mother finally had enough, she told her children she was going out. As darkness set in, they realized she wasn’t coming back. A furious father took his rage out on the children and sent them to the streets to find their mother. Eventually, police came for them and took them to a temporary orphanage. When their time ran out, they were given two options: return home or go to a permanent orphanage. Graciela said, “We knew little about Jesus but we began praying.” Their prayers lead them to Esperanza Viva (EV).

Fear and worry overtook Graciela, but as she listened to the stories of the other children and saw their similar struggles, peace began to set in. She felt the safety and love in those around her. It was in this comfort where she really started to get to know God. “I felt a peace I had never felt before as a child. I was having a childhood I never thought I’d have.” She saw how God was transforming their lives, and she began to believe He had a purpose for her. Never had she imagined finishing high school and going to college. Today she is so grateful because she knows she has a future. EV provided her a place of safety, community, opportunity and most importantly, a place to learn about God. “God opened doors for me. He became my father and He will be here to take care of all the details of my life.” It has been 15 years since Graciela arrived at EV. She now has earned her degree in accounting and financing and is currently attending Living Hope’s La Viña Ministry Institute.

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~Rebecca Hansen

Devotions to Grow the Whole Family’s Faith

Family devotions don’t have to be dull! Breathe fresh life into this special time with the David C Cook Family Devotions. By bringing delight to doctrine through a poetic style and engaging illustrations, each devotion graciously points you to Scripture to grow your family’s faith as well as your own.

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Available September 1, 2018 in print and digital wherever books are sold.

living

LIBRARY

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Let His Word find a home in your heart. by Sandy Mayle

Although the nearing of September signals the end of summer days, the dying of leaves, and the last of the harvest, I think of autumn as a time for beginnings. Something in me anticipates a fresh challenge. I still remember the excitement of beginning a school year— new clothes, new schoolbooks, new teachers, and new discoveries. Although those days are far behind me, when September approaches, I once again yearn to start something new. On September 1, 2017, I was excited when the Lord led me to begin a new project. Every day that month, He led me to one Bible verse or section of Scripture to memorize. Each was tailored to me, given not just for that day, but also as part of a compilation of “life verses” or keys for walking with God. At the end of the month, I had 30 verses memorized and recorded on a stack of index cards. These verses were handpicked by God Himself, to keep and treasure, and above all, use as I made my way through the rest of my life. However, time, an autoimmune disease, and medication fogged my brain; it was not as sharp as it had once been. My store of memorized Scripture consisted of verses I’d learned as a child or along my spiritual journey, and those I’d read so 24

often they were lodged in my mind. I had not been making an effort to add much to the cache. I memorized the verses each day, but nearly all were ones that had been key to my spiritual growth in the past or at least very familiar. Day after day, I opened the Word in the morning and the Spirit led me to a verse, sometimes by popping a phrase into my mind or by impressing a certain book of the Bible to leaf through: • Who is he who will devote himself to be close to me (Jer. 30:21)? A life-verse of mine, but, oh, I need to be reminded of it! • The Sovereign LORD has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed (Is. 50:4). These words have been instrumental in reining in an unbridled tongue. • I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD (Ps. 27:13-14). This was given to me during a very discouraging family crisis. Near the end of the month, somewhere around day 26, an interesting thing began to happen. The verses I had been learning began to pop into my head at random times. I would

Sandy Mayle is a freelance writer for Christian publications. She and her husband, Dave, live in Erie, Pa.

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mentally recite them while eating breakfast, taking a walk, or standing in the shower. They were getting into my head, giving me something to take hold of, think about, and apply to current situations. I began to believe that many, if not all, of those 30 verses would be important to me in the future. As I sat down each day with my Bible, God knew not only the day ahead, but also the days ahead. He knew what fortification, preparation, or assurance I would need, and He was equipping me for my tomorrows. Toward the end, I took my stack of index cards in hand and wrote the reference on the back of each one. I then quizzed myself with them to see which I still remembered and which needed more work. On September 30, God dropped the starting phrase of the final verse neatly into my mind: “For the word of God is living and active…” Within a few minutes I had located it in my Bible and read the rest of it: “…sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Heb. 4:12). What a great verse to end on! It summed up the value of the collection I had acquired. What a “living library” I now have—powerful, useful, strengthening, and focusing. These verses are vital because they are not only relevant, but able to work within me to expose need, reveal truth, and bring about healing and change. A picture came to my mind of my nephew, Shawn, and his future wife when they were both training to be nurses together. They had been viewing bacteria under a microscope, and it was definitely an eye-opener! Shawn told his mom, “We will never look at germs the same way again.” Through the microscope of Hebrews 4:12, I saw that all Scripture is fully alive, teeming with intention, and bursting with power. All of it is “God-breathed, and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness” (2 Tim. 3:16). My month’s verses, in particular, are intentional and effective in me. They are capable of slicing deep, laying open the contents of my mind and heart, and performing soul surgery. They correct, heal, and motivate me. May I never look at Scripture the same way again. Do you want to participate in a similar exercise? If you sense the Lord leading you to do this, take several steps as you begin: 1. ASK Him to lead you to just the right verses, ones that will be key to your life, not only currently, but in the future. 2. PREPARE a notebook, index cards, smartphone, or laptop—whatever works for you. You may want to have a concordance handy to help with finding a phrase God brings to mind or a verse about a particular topic such as “peace” or “temptation.” 3. LOCATE your verse each day by asking the Lord to lead you to it. Be still and wait for His direction. When you find it, write it down. 4. PRAY over it, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal its meaning and how it applies to your life. Listen for His instruction and direction. 5. MEMORIZE the verse and return to it often throughout the day. In addition, is there a song, book, or short Bible study that would help plant those words in your heart? 6. GATHER the verses together at the end of the month and make sure all are committed to memory. Keep them nearby as a handy reference to which you can often return to refresh your memory and your heart. I suspect these “living libraries” will be used by God in very vital ways in the coming days and years. Let’s rejoice that He is answering the psalmist’s prayer (which was also my day 24 verse): “Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law” (Ps. 119:18)!

Singled

OUT How to bridge the gap between marrieds and singles in the church.

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by Angela Cirocco

Three weeks after his wedding, 43-yearold Brian attended a men’s breakfast at his church. The men greeted him with slaps on the back, jabs about marriage, and smirks regarding the honeymoon. He returned home to his new bride and commented, “For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged at church.” As his wife relayed this story to me, tears streamed down my face. I wept because I could relate as a single person in the church, but my heart broke over the alienation so many of God’s people feel. Why did it take marriage for Brian to finally feel part of a church? More than 50 percent of the U.S. population is single. Yet according to Barna Research, merely 23 percent of churchgoers identify as single. Why the discrepancy? How does the church make room for this growing group? Author Tony Evans describes the struggle in his book Living Single. Since the typical church in America today tends to emphasize families, he says singles often feel like “second-class citizens.” However, singles enrich church community, and we need to recognize and value their contributions as full members of the body of Christ. Singles can serve the church wholeheartedly in ways married people can’t.

press how they miss the intimacy they had with Christ in their single days. Singles can inspire married people to continue pursuing time with Jesus in the limited minutes they can spare. When we share, we realize our commonalities outweigh our differences. Today, churches often label singles ministry as “young adult ministry.” Many unattached people find themselves in college or just beginning their careers, so they rightly fall into this category, but more people than ever before stay single into their thirties and beyond. Some of us age beyond “young” while maintaining our single status. Putting all the singles into young adult ministries sends a subtle message to the unmarried that they exist in transition, waiting for “real life” to begin.

Bridging the Divide

It can start with valuing the way God uses and calls people as singles. There have been many Christian singles who have impacted the church in the Bible—Mary, Martha, and Lazarus followed and served Jesus as single siblings. Other single Christian leaders made their mark on the world. Amy Carmichael sailed to India in 1895 at age 26 as an unmarried missionary. She founded her own mission’s organization, adapted to the culture by wearing saris, and advocated against child trafficking. My friend, Stephanie Ribaudo, moved across the country to work in an alternative school. During school breaks, she provides disaster relief in places such as Haiti and Nepal. Although Steph longs for marriage, she stewards her single life well.

The Great Divide

MORE THAN

YET ONLY

50%

23%

OF THE U.S. POPULATION IS SINGLE

OF CHURCHGOERS IDENTIFY AS SINGLE

WHY THE DISCREPANCY? HOW DOES THE CHURCH MAKE ROOM FOR THIS GROWING GROUP? Paul explains the benefits of singleness in 1 Corinthians 7. Singles can pursue the Lord and minister in an undivided manner, while married people need to consider the impact of ministry commitments on their families. Last spring I had a big decision to make. As the deadline neared, I grabbed my journal and spent the day in a park, asking God about it. As I described this to my friend Geri, a wife and mom to six, she marveled and expressed some envy. With all her kids, she can’t tear herself away from her responsibilities for decision-making prayer time like I can. Prior to the Reformation, the church required singleness of its leaders. (Jesus and Paul were both single.) Post-Reformation, the church has swung in the other direction. It often values marriage above all else, which can deter and alienate singles. There’s no question a high view of marriage is

continued on p 37 27

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In any given church year, sermons on marriage and parenting abound. As the single person listens to messages that don’t fit his or her life context, they perform mental gymnastics to apply the sermon to their lives. Should they store these “three steps for disciplining toddlers” to use for their future families? Such thinking assumes everyone will wed. I have listened to thousands of sermons in my lifetime. Not one of them has focused solely on singleness on a Sunday morning. Most gender-specific ministries often focus on marriage and family life too. I am not saying that exposure to issues of marriage and parenting doesn’t benefit me as a single woman; it does. If I hear only from people with lifestyles like mine, I miss out on rich experiences and insights. And as I listen to parenting battles, I can develop compassion and remember the goal of life is growth in Christ. As you describe that fight with your husband, I see how it relates to how I disrespected my boss yesterday. We all sin and need grace in our various unique life circumstances. In the same way, married people can hear a single person’s struggle with contentment and realize ways they may have idolized their families over Jesus. I’ve heard some married women ex-

What a husband or wife does or says in relation to a depressed spouse can either exacerbate the symptoms or help relieve them. Dolly, my bride of over 46 years, doesn’t understand depression experientially. She’s optimistic and outgoing. Her emotions stay on an even keel. She handles setbacks with simple faith in a loving God. Whether it’s in response to a comic strip, a humorous pet video, or part of a phone conversation, her laughter reverberates daily off the walls inside our house. What a priceless wife! And despite her inexperience with depression, she’s wise and sensitive in how she handles my bouts with the darkness. If you’re a spouse of a depression-prone person, learn from one or more of these four reactions that describe my wife.

1 She tells me she’s praying for me. When she knows I’ve had consecutive dark days, I often get an inspiring message on my phone at work. “Just want you to know I love you and I’m praying for you today.” In his book, Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home, Richard Foster wrote, “Some people have needs that we cannot personally meet. That’s when we pray. Intercession is a way of loving others.”

Let him or her know you’re interceding for the strength needed to meet the demands of the day.

If I confess suicidal thoughts to her, she reminds me of specific reasons I have to keep living. These remarks don’t reflect the exact words I’ve heard

from her, but they do capture the essence of things she’s said: • “God called you to write. You have books, articles, and blogs still inside you that other people need to read.” • “You’re a good teacher. Your students need the wisdom and experience you bring to your classes.” • “Your family loves you and would miss you. Your grandson adores you and would miss not having you around. I love you, too, and wouldn’t appreciate it if you left me by choice.” Notice how her words affirmed me and my contributions, instilling hope that the future includes eternal usefulness for me. Back in the early 1990s, when I first mentioned the option of suicide in front of Dolly, she did what a family member should do: she took it seriously! She called our pastor for an intervention. When he met with me, he talked me into a medical intervention for the first time. For the next few years, medicine brought noticeable relief to the frequency and depth of my dark moods.

Walking Alongside a

DEPRESSED SPOUSE How a wife can make a difference.

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by Terry Powell

She has never belittled me or made me feel spiritually less mature because I suffer from depression. She knows my family history. She realizes that 3

rough days can occur, even when there is no circumstantial reason for the downward mood spiral. Never have I heard anything remotely resembling a glib remark, such as “Snap out of it!” or “I know how you feel” or “Just trust in God and this will pass.” In fact, I’ve heard her say the opposite: commending me to others. But it is what Dolly doesn’t say that may be her most effective ministry to me when I’m despondent. Dr. Michelle Bengston, who knows depression both experientially and through academic studies, said: “Do not suggest that they ‘snap out of it’ or ‘pull themselves up by their bootstraps.’ About the worst thing you can do in your words, attitudes, beliefs, or behavior is to convey that your perception is that they can control it. Believe me, if they could ‘snap out of it,’ they would. No one likes feeling depressed.”

When my depression shows disrespect for her or threatens the health of our marriage, Dolly confronts me. Depression often spawns irritability.

For me, this includes hypersensitivity and defensiveness because of a low self-esteem. More than once, I have misinterpreted Dolly’s words or nonverbal cues, erroneously accusing her of a slight or criticism that she never intended. When depressed, I tend to project onto her my own self-loathing, which causes me to misinterpret her words or body language, resulting in a harsh tone directed at her. Rather than excusing my unfair remark, she doesn’t let the sun go down on her anger (Eph. 4:26-27). Without raising her voice, she says, “You had no right to speak to me like that. You owe me an apology!” Thank God, she holds me accountable when what I say and do crosses the line into sin. She doesn’t blame me for depression, yet she does expect me to tap into the Holy Spirit’s strength to control how I treat her. Dolly is an incredible example of how to walk alongside a suffering spouse: she’s sensitive and comforting without being maudlin or spineless! She loves me unconditionally, yet doesn’t pamper me. Compassionate understanding can go a long way in keeping your marriage strong and making sure the struggling spouse is supported when bouts of depression occur. The response of the healthy spouse can be the difference between despair and hope. Terry Powell teaches church ministry courses at Columbia International University in South Carolina. Additionally, Terry is an author and has recently launched a new blog on faith and depression: penetratingthedarkness.com—an excellent resource on depression. You can contact him at terry.powell@ciu.edu.

Depression that leads to suicide isn’t just the plight of the financially-strapped, unemployed provider of a household, or the teen who’s tormented by bullies, or the retiree who’s weary of declining energy and escalating physical pain. Just ask the friends of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Spade, 55, renown fashion designer, took her life this spring. Days later, Bourdain, 61, a celebrity chef and host of an award-winning TV show, was found dead from a suicide in his hotel room. These celebrity cases shine a spotlight on a significant rise in suicide rates. In 2016, nearly 45,000 people in the U.S. took their own life. From 1999 to 2016, the suicide rate rose 28 percent. In 2015, compared to 2008, almost twice as many children were hospitalized for attempts at or contemplation of suicide. To help prevent suicide among people we know and love, it’s important to know what to look and listen for. *Here are nine warning signs. 1. Diagnosis of Depression or Bipolar Disorder. A person with a depressive pattern is more prone to consider suicide as an alternative to the recurring pain. 2. Suicidal Talk. When someone tells you he’s thinking of harming himself or doesn’t want to live, call the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-8255. 3. Escalation of Guilt Feelings or Anxiety. Listen for remarks about letting people down all the time, or a pattern of self-condemnation for past mistakes. 4. Social Isolation. Persons more vulnerable to suicide disengage from their normal spheres. 5. Risky Behavior. Driving more recklessly, picking fights, imbibing more alcohol, or starting drug use may reveal less interest in living. 6. Obtaining a Weapon. This is a red flag when combined with other warning signs listed here. 7. Declining Health. Factors that prompt suicide in older age include physical limitations, loss of a spouse, or loss of one’s home or independence. 8. Internet Searches. People who plan their suicide attempts often research online for ways to do it. 9. Giving Away Prized Possessions. A person plotting suicide may start giving away important items. ~Terry Powell *Warning signs are taken from two sources: Sarah Klein’s 8 Signs Someone is At Rick for Suicide, and Odyssey’s 13 Signs Someone Might Be Suicidal.

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Editor’s Note: These principles can be applied to any loved one or friend battling depression.

How Can You Tell When Someone is Suicidal?

befriending the

foreigner

Making a difference through love and hospitality. just between us F A L L 2 0 1 8

by Gail Goolsby

According to Homeland Security, over 560,000 immigrants received permanent U.S. resident status in the first half of 2017. They have come mainly from Mexico, India, China, the Philippines, Cuba, and the Dominican Republic. Almost 40,000 refugees were admitted to our shores, particularly from Syria, Iraq, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Somalia, and Burma. I am just a private citizen with no immigration expertise, but I have the opportunity to impact the lives of some of the most vulnerable and disillusioned people with a heart of love and hospitality. For those coming from countries closed to Christians, I may well be the first believer they meet. I can potentially introduce them to Jesus and show them what He can mean in their lives. And, I am a woman.

Women are Powerful Connectors The women of the world, particularly the Muslim world, are often seen as second-class citizens or worse. They are not always uneducated or even unloved, but typically, they are very restricted in the expression of their personhood. They are covered, they are invisible, and they are not to be in the presence of men outside their family. As a female, I have incredible power to reach these unseen human beings. I can speak to them, touch them, embrace them, have them in my home uncovered, visit in their homes, and share as the sisters we really are. The riches of such relationships give back much more than the cost to me in time or resources. Here are six of my international friends’ personal stories (with names changed and specific countries unidentified for their safety):

Middle Eastern Medical Professional

Leena and Suzan are a mother and daughter who arrived in America almost two years ago. They came with their family of seven seeking religious

freedom and relief from local persecution. They left behind their home and businesses, extended family, and everything familiar. Leena was an experienced medical professional, and Suzan had just completed high school when the family crossed the ocean to a new life. Over two years ago, their family randomly entered the doors of my home church to find help for their desperate situation. Low finances, antagonistic neighbors, and threatening family members were bearing down on the adults and children. Many generous Christians banded together to find a safe location in a rural town where a loving church adopted Leena’s traumatized family. The three younger children entered their third school since coming to the U.S., and all finally began to sleep well at night. My husband and I visit Leena’s family as often as we can make the trip. We marvel at their commitment to learn English and the Bible. We celebrated when their work permits arrived and their legal case continued to find favor. Starting from the bottom of the career ladder once again, Leena successfully passed her CNA (certified nursing assistant) exam, and Suzan followed in her footsteps. Both are pursuing jobs in retirement homes and nursing centers and furthering their education as funds allow.

Central Asian Engineer

family members behind. Donya investigated Christianity after visiting in America a couple years earlier. Returning home would mean walking away from this new sense of peace and connection to God.

African Mother

Jane is a young mother who gave birth to her third son in my hometown, her first American baby. The other two young sons came with her and her husband from the Democratic Republic of Congo many months ago. After living in a Ugandan refugee camp, for several years, I taught Jane English, as well as how to wash dishes with hot water and use a can opener. These are only a few of the mysteries she encounters daily. When my teaching partner and I arrived each week, we never knew for sure who might be joining the tutoring or if Jane would actually be home. Communication is difficult and timeliness is clearly a “Western thing.” Her friendly smile and words of thanks kept us coming back for several months and letting go of any frustrations that might arise. Sometimes I corralled the little ones, so the moms could learn about money, days of the week, greetings, and new vocabulary with my partner. I snuggled the peaceful babies and watched Baby Einstein DVDs with the preschoolers to teach them colors, shapes, and numbers in English.

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Donya is a single 33-year-old woman with excellent English skills who migrated here a year ago, leaving her engineering graduate studies and other

When the long-awaited work permit arrived, Donya attended job fairs with me and completed applications for her first job. In October, she was hired as seasonal help for a local UPS store and rejoiced that she had kind coworkers and a kind boss. After the holidays, Donya gladly accepted a chance to continue at the store. She hopes for work in engineering one day, but not all of her foreign university study is recognized in the U.S. She needs to upgrade her skills and learn engineering all over again in a new setting. For now, she is happy to have work. I take Donya to Bible study groups, movies, restaurants, and city events. She loves to come to my house when my family members visit, especially the three little granddaughters. Holding a sweet toddler and playing games with preschoolers make her face light up with joy. We engage in all manner of girl talk, and I offer American cultural insights. I taught her how to make a pumpkin pie in the fall and encouraged her to bravely accept an unfamiliar house dog-sitting invitation by a woman from church. Donya has many fears from her former life traumas, but with God’s help and many friends to journey with her, she is slowly embracing new freedoms.

Afghan Student and New English Partner

Aiysha is a college student from Afghanistan majoring in international relations and women’s studies at a U.S. college on a full scholarship. I

have known her family a long time from my years living in Kabul. She joins my family for Christmas holidays, and this past summer she lived with me while interning with an immigrant resettlement organization. She regularly connects via Skype and FaceTime with her family members who left Afghanistan last year and are doing well living in another country. She hasn’t seen them in three years. This past May, my husband and I traveled to Pennsylvania for her graduation and cheered her accomplishments in person, as her parents did from across the world. She hopes to go to law school and one day return to her home country to improve justice for women, children, and all citizens.

Afghan Friend and Mother

Hosai, another Afghan friend, is a married woman with seven children

ages 7 to 19. They all attend public school or formal language classes in my hometown. Her husband served for years as a military intelligence translator in Afghanistan. He received U.S. immigration papers for himself and his family three years ago. On Monday afternoons I drive to her apartment, sit on her clean toshaks, drink chai, and practice reading Dr. Seuss books. I help her review English vocabulary, alphabet letters and sounds, and common phrases, so she can navigate American shops and comprehend important information for her family. When her oldest daughter is home to bridge our language gap, we talk about cultural differences, medical needs, sewing, and even driving regulations. I share photos from my years in Afghanistan and current ones of my family members. The house is a peaceful place, and Hosai smiles and even laughs at times. That makes me smile, too.

I Was the Foreign Woman for Seven Years

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When I went to Kabul in 2005 to serve as principal of the International School of Kabul, an American K-12 school, I needed local friends to help me understand the expectations of my new home. Afghan women showed me how to barter and handle chaotic marketplaces. They taught me how to dress, wear a head scarf, and blend in as much as possible to avoid male stares and shopkeeper hassles. I enjoyed evening meals in their homes, sharing stories and cultural differences. We hugged and kissed cheeks and felt the connected challenge of working and homemaking, raising children, and investing in our communities for a better future for all. As the world shakes and scatters its people all around the globe, it is my turn to reach out to foreign women. This is my contribution to the present day history making of the refugee/immigrant crisis. I want to make the most of my friendship opportunities with foreign women, who are just women planted in my sphere of influence. Who are the foreign women in your world? What will be your response?

Gail Goolsby holds master’s degrees in professional counseling and educational leadership. She now places international students with Christian host families in the U.S. Additionally, she and her pastor-husband have been married 39 years and have three grown children, two sons-in-law, and three granddaughters. They live in Kansas. Contact her on Facebook or Twitter, or at gailgoolsby.com.

foreigners Ways to Connect with

• Check with the local resettlement agencies in your area for the needs they have. Clothes, coats, shoes, furniture, meals, and household items are essential to families arriving with few resources. • Educate yourself on a particular people group and culture living in your location. Find out what foods they eat, make a welcoming meal, and learn greetings in their native language. • Develop relationships with shopkeepers, hairstylists, and nail technicians by asking questions and showing interest. Let them see you as a friendly Christfollower who is open to spiritual as well as practical conversation. • Volunteer to be an English tutor. Local colleges and churches sponsor English classes to help immigrants assimilate quickly. The main qualification is being a native English speaker. • Host an international friends group in your home or at a local community center. Meet regularly with others who have the same interest to help immigrants make new friends while practicing English and learning cultural information. • Transport immigrants to work interviews, doctor appointments, or shopping trips. Here is another opportunity to practice English and show care. • Invite new friends to your home and share your family. Hospitality translates through every culture as a sincere connection point. • Start a Discovery Bible Study with a small group and invite new international friends. This is not an academic, pastorled experience, but rather people reading selected Bible passages, talking together about what is learned. ~Gail Goolsby

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THE STORM OF PORN

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3 truths to keep you afloat. by Jen Ferguson

If you tried to convince me over a decade ago that something good would come out of my marriage to my porn-addicted husband, I would have laughed in your face. Not the “funny ha-ha” kind of laugh. More like a cackle, accompanied with words filled with anger, despair, and hopelessness. No one tried to convince me, though, because no one knew. No one knew Craig was addicted to porn. No one knew we were drowning, despite the appearance that we could swim. But God knew. There was a Mother’s Day relatively early in our marriage where I had caught Craig using. Again. A Mother’s Day where I took my infuriated, wounded self into my bathroom closet, closed the door and let God know how unhappy I was. I spelled it all out for Him—this was unfair, unjust, unreasonable, unloving, and unkind. Since I wasn’t ready to choose to be unmarried, I asked Him if this was really how I was expected to live. I told Him how I had done everything I possibly could to help Craig, but he was refusing to get with my program. What was wrong with him? I finally ran out of words. My head on the carpet, I was spent. In that open space of silence and utter depletion, God spoke. Not audibly, but I could see the words in my mind. I could feel His presence. He said: I have a plan. Are you ready to try it My way? “In the darkness of that moment, God brought light, showing me that I had lost sight of my husband. I had defined him by what he was doing instead of who God created him to be. Perhaps even more revealing was the

Thankfully, Jesus has a heart for those who are unhealthy and tired. He longs to bring His healing power and touch to those who ask, to those who feel undeserving, to those who are desperate, to the faithful, and to those who struggle with unbelief. But, He often asks this question: Do you want to be well (John 5:6)? Recovery from addiction—any kind of addiction—requires admission to the problem and a willingness to take steps toward healing. Though it may seem daunting, there is real hope that you can get through this, that your marriage will survive and thrive, and that you will experience intimacy between each other and with Jesus that you didn’t even know was possible. This process of healing and wholeness often takes time and if you only have the one goal in mind—complete freedom—it will be easy to become discouraged while you’re waiting for the fullness of healing. Here are three valuable things to celebrate along the way:

TALKING ABOUT ADDICTIONS AND FEARS BRINGS LIGHT INTO DARK PLACES. Pornography can

feel like a very shameful thing for both you and your spouse. When we feel ashamed, many times our first instinct is to hide away. But it is in the isolation that shame breeds. When we are open with our sins, our fears, and questions, we bring it all into the light. And if we believe that Jesus is the light (John 1:4-5), we’re then bringing it to Him and allowing Him to start eradicating the darkness within us and within our marriage. The more we can talk about what causes our addictions, the more we share with our spouse, the more these conversations create intimacy within our relationship. And intimacy? It’s a key part of our marriage foundation.

ADMITTING YOUR STRUGGLES AND WEAKNESS REVEALS THE NEED FOR JESUS. If you’re like

me, you want to be the strong one. But this can turn into pride so quickly. It weakens our ability to empathize and show compassion for other people’s weaknesses. You are actually a safer person to be around if you can confess that you don’t have it all together and that you make mistakes. Every time you are authentic with your community, your spouse, and God, this is victory. You’re showing the world that everyone needs a Savior and His name is Jesus.

DEALING WITH THESE ISSUES BEGINS TO BREAK GENERATIONAL BONDAGE. Whenever you ad-

dress issues in your life and heal from wounds in your past and present, God unravels those old, unhealthy ways of coping and equips you with new tools. This is an incredible example to the generations in your family who come up after you. Addictions are so easily passed from one generation to the next and deciding to begin to live life differently is a huge victory for you—and for them. God has much to show you. It’s easy to be blinded by our pain. It feels easier to close our eyes and sink down into it. But we serve a God who walks on water, stretches out His hand, and rescues us. Remember, you are not alone in this storm. Craig and Jen Ferguson, married since 2000, are passionate about Jesus and helping couples infuse their marriages with His power and love. Through writing, speaking, and leading small groups, they help couples develop and retain intimacy both with each other and with God. They have two teenage daughters, too many animals, and a shared affinity for Tex-Mex food. You can connect with them at www.knotproject.org or knotproject20000@ gmail.com and check out their book on Amazon.

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notion that I had lost sight of God’s power and His place in our lives. I had strapped on the burden of ‘healer’ when I should have been showing humility, bowing low to the One who can do all things. “On the floor of the bathroom closet was the turning point—both in my relationship with my husband and my relationship with God.”(Excerpt from Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography.) Based on statistics, there are many of you reading right now that can relate to my story. Sixty-four percent of Christian men say they watch porn at least once a month. If you’re in the majority here, you may be filled with anger (How could he betray me like this?). You may be filled with despair (Will he ever stop?). You may feel confused (Why am I not enough?). You may be questioning a multitude of things: who your spouse really is, how you missed the signs until the moment they became apparent, the validity of your pain of betrayal, and what in the world could make these circumstances any better. Before you keep reading, I want you to pause with me here. Pretend my hands are cupped around your face and I’m looking you straight in the eyes. Hear me as I say these words to you: It is not your fault. You did not cause this. You cannot fix this. Your pain is valid. You have to know—really know—these things. They are crucial because most likely, the road to healing from betrayal and your spouse’s road to healing from porn addiction will not be easy. These words are like the buoys on the rope that separate the deep end of the pool from where you can safely find your footing again. You need truth to hang on to, friend. I can tell you that God has brought just as much freedom to me as He did to Craig. The difference was I didn’t know from what I needed freedom. In The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller writes, “Counselors will tell you that the only flaws that can enslave you are the ones you are blind to.” Before my plan to cure Craig of his porn addiction failed miserably, I had no idea how controlling and prideful I was. I had no idea the enormity of responsibility I felt I had to find the cure. If those burdens had been physical, I would have appeared like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I was living just as spiritually crippled as my husband was.

5 THINGS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HER HUSBAND’S PORN ADDICTION

IT’S ACTUALLY NOT NORMAL. The

phrase usually goes something like this: “He’s a guy and that’s what guys do” or “I’d rather he watch porn at home than go out to strip clubs or have an affair.” Let me state emphatically that these are all false. God created us male and female to enjoy sex in the sanctity of marriage. It is meant to be cherished and given freely between a husband and a wife. Pornography is an artificial construct created to serve a selfish desire of self-gratification. Sex within marriage is an interactive experience with a real person that joins two loving people into one flesh, not only physically but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well. God never intended for people to go outside of marriage to find this intimacy and interaction. 2

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Even if he says it

is, this is never an excuse for his sin. Ultimately, it’s not about what you look like, what you wear, or how adventurous you are in bed. Your efforts to mold yourself into something you’re not will not cure him of his addiction.

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IT’S NOT ABOUT SEX. Porn is about es-

caping pain, suffering, and pressure. For me, I was so worried about failure and rejection in real life, that it was an easy place to run to where I could act like a man without actually having to be one. I used this place to help me avoid a real relationship with Jen, with God, and with others around me. Men who have gravitated to pornography often are using it to numb the pain of an absent real relationship, typically because they struggle with how to have one. Encourage him to seek out a group of Christian men to support and help him be accountable. Be authentic with your own struggles, fears, and dreams. 4

HE’S HURTING AND ASHAMED. I have

yet to meet a Christian man proud of the fact that he engages with pornography. If you choose to ridicule, stonewall, or heap more shame on him, you will drive him 36

further into isolation. You have every right to be angry and your pain is valid, but how you express that pain and anger is crucial to helping him on the path to healing. Invite him to share his struggles with you. Accept him for who he is and where he is. God has a plan for him. Ask God to help you to be part of the process that will help your husband become the man God is calling him to be. 5

YOU HAVE A VOICE AND YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. “And the two shall become one,” it says in Genesis. You are literally the other half of your husband. You have a voice and you have a say in your marriage. Not only that, but you can have a tremendous impact on the spiritual life of your husband and your family. For the longest time (after that closet encounter she shared), Jen prayed and supported me through my addiction. It was difficult for her to watch me rise up and fall back down again, but over time, this showed me how much she loved me and was invested in who I was trying to become. ~Craig Ferguson

ABOUT THE BOOK Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography (Discovery House, ©2014) by Craig and Jen Ferguson offers compassionate understanding and the truth of God’s Word for all who struggle—or whose loved ones struggle—with the lure of pornography. In the pages of this book, both Jen and Craig intertwine their personal journeys of healing and offer biblical insight to help you deal with the shame, anger, and insecurity created by porn addiction, recognize lies that both addict and spouse tend to believe, and restore lost respect. Available on Amazon.

Singled Out (continued from p 27) needed in the church, but as Paul writes in 1 Cor 7:32–38, God ordains both marriage and singleness. Both come with blessings and challenges—and God deems both equally valuable.

Closing the Divide

There are many ways the church and married people can encourage and support singles in their churches to bridge the divide that exists. Here are some practical ways: 1. Invite singles to invest in your children. Singles have time to disciple, serve, and invest in people. Your kids need to see other adults who live their lives loving Jesus. A single church member can invest in and love your kids like an aunt or uncle. My friends allow me playdates with their children. We swing at the park, plug our noses at the smelly elephants in the zoo, or race to lick all the ice cream before it melts down our arms. I send them home sticky and sugar-upped—with all the fun and without the burden of discipline. 2. Provide singles with support. Singles often pour freely into the church, but they need support from the church as well. They may find it easier to hide their “stuff.” For this reason, we need people to hold us accountable and ask us the hard questions. We have to make a conscious effort to engage in community and to allow people access to our innermost thoughts. Please don’t let us hide. 3. Be sensitive. Our feelings toward singleness may ebb and flow. Many of us long for marriage, but don’t assume everyone does. For those who desire it, waiting can be hard. I experience periods of pure contentment with Jesus, but I also occasionally weep, wail, and gnash my teeth over my unwed state. God never promised marriage to everyone; not all of the 150 million singles in America will marry. No one knows God’s plans, so please don’t offer glib advice like, “Don’t worry, you’re beautiful and will surely marry” or “Right when you stop looking, your man will come!” Singles need encouragement, sometimes in the simple form of a hug. Loneliness can physically hurt. 4. Encourage singles to live a holy sexual life. Cheer singles on in purity. Even though many singles love Jesus, they still struggle sexually. Don’t assume they live a pure life. They need accountability, both physically and in their thought lives. The church needs both married and single people. Each state is a gift and has a necessary place in the body of Christ. There are no second-class Christians, for in Christ, we stand equal before God (Gal. 3:28). Whether single for a season or for life, single people have much to contribute to our church communities. Allow them to flourish as God has gifted them. Engage them in your church social life. Let’s prevent more Brian’s from feeling like they have no place in the church until marriage.

Ministry on the Go Make an extra effort to compliment your waitress/waiter.

Here are some more practical ways to engage with the singles in your life and church. • Feed us. Invite us to your family dinner. We want to mix with your whole family, relate with your husband (in a platonic way), and hang with your children. If you don’t have kids, we’ll relish conversation with you both. Happy hours and chic restaurants do get old. We tire of cooking for one. • Sit next to us in church. Most likely, we drove here alone and will return home the same way. While we smile and shake hands, we hide the bravery it took to leave the house, point our cars toward church, and actually walk through those doors, alone. Companionship, even for an hour, makes church feel more like family. • Share honestly about your marriage. We celebrate your victories, but we also need a realistic view. Remind us that we all need to abide in Christ, married or not. That will help us reject marriage as an idol, as life’s ultimate goal. Don’t husband bash. We’ll just want to yell, “at least you have someone!” • Come over to our houses. Bring all your kids, but provide entertainment for them. We don’t have that. Ask about our jobs, hobbies, and families. Notice our photos and decor. It feels good to share our space with you, too. ~Angela Cirocco

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Angela Cirocco is an RN, minister to women at her church, and full-time student at Dallas Theological Seminary in Dallas, Tex. Additionally, she loves spending time with her friends’ kids, which includes visits to the zoo, reading Bible stories, and sneaking ice cream and cotton candy.

Ways to Invest in Singles

encouragement / real

faith

Valuing His Word by Tabitha Price

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Tabitha Price has been serving in ministry for the last 17 years. She is currently the Director of Translation Services with Wycliffe Associates. She is also the author of Joy Comes in the Mourning and writes weekly devotionals for her blog. Tabitha and her husband Joel live in Milwaukee, Wis., with their three boys.

Visit my site! tabithaprice.com

Boarding a plane in Chicago is pretty routine for me by now. Fifteen hours at 30,000 feet is almost mundane. Curling into a tiny ball, positioning my head against the concave form of the window, and drifting off to sleep is no longer an impossible challenge. I have become adept to this kind of travel in the four years that I’ve been part of building the Mobilized Assistance Supporting Translation (MAST) Bible translation program. I actually enjoy flying. For the most part, I love it. I love seeing new places. I even like airplane food. I am a gypsy at heart. Of course, the best part is the reason I travel. All over the world, I meet fellow believers hungry for God’s Word, eager for help to translate it into their native language. I hear stories like the one Isaac of Southeast Asia told me last night about a 93-year-old man. “He insisted on coming out of his village to be at the New Testament dedication. This is no easy journey. The first day he walked all day.” (Wait a minute! The first day? How many days did he travel?) “Then he traveled for three days by bus. It takes four days to get to the city from his village. He had to come. He had to tell us how thankful he is to finally have Scripture in his own language. With tears in his eyes, he spoke to our group at the dedication. He thanked the translators and leaders of this project for finally getting the Scriptures for his people. His eyes are pretty bad. I don’t know if he can even read it for himself, but he is overwhelmed by joy and gratitude for what this means to his people.”

“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path…Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope...the law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold” (excerpts from Ps. 119:105, 49, 72). Wow! What a story! How precious this man’s years of waiting are in the eyes of our Father. How beautiful is his grateful heart! I am reminded of David’s reverence for God’s precious Word: “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path…Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope...the law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold” (excerpts from Ps. 119:105, 49, 72). I hear this, and am challenged. Do I love God’s Word with this kind of fervor? I travel in relative comfort for a mere day to come to these workshops. This man, at 93 years old, traveled for days, and walked for hours to be here. He came simply to

be a part of the community of God, rejoicing in the hope of God’s Word. Sometimes I think the availability of Scripture in the English language curbs our appetite. It’s like we have a veritable buffet of Scripture options, and we take that for granted. It becomes a part of life for us, but it does not impart life. It becomes mundane. When we need it, we can crack it open. We sing about it; we use it in worship services. We honor God’s Word with our lips, but our hearts are often distracted. When I hear stories like this one, I am reminded of how much His Word matters. I pray that God will light the fire within me to value His Word like I should—that I might constantly find His Word to be “the joy and rejoicing of my soul!”

healthy emotions / encouragement

Loving Others Well by Jenny Heckman, MS, LPC, NCC

Q: How do I become an emotionally healthy and available person to others?

Jenny Heckman is a professional licensed counselor who owns a private counseling practice, Robust Sanity LLC, seeing individuals, couples, and families in Brookfield, Wis. Additionally, she has served on the pastoral staffs of several churches and has been married to her husband, Mark, for 25 years and has four children.

Eyes

A person who is willing to face herself. We are warned in Matt. 7:3-5, that if we do not humbly and courageously face our own deficits and shortcomings, the deficits and shortcomings in others will be exaggerated. The result is that others will be wounded, and we will be lonely if we do not do our own inner work.

Ears

A person who can listen to understand, rather than listening to respond. James 1:19 invites us to be slow to speak and eager to listen. If we do the inner work on a consistent basis, our ears will be more available to truly hear the other. When we are reactive, defensive, easily offended, have a need to be right, we will never truly understand the person in front of us. Listening with the purpose of understanding is especially challenging when we are listening to ideas, direction, perceptions, and actions that we either do not agree with or know are not wise. If we move too quickly to correction or response, the person will inevitably leave the interaction with the experience that our interests took priority rather than the priority of listening because we want to understand and then care well for the person we are listening to. We want to invite others to make themselves known. Others (including coworkers, spouses, children, friends, and family) can-

not safely make themselves known if there is not a degree of certainty that understanding is our priority.

Heart

A person who holds a continual generous spirit to others. It has struck me often that the father depicted in the parable of the Lost Son in Luke 15 must have had his inner (and outer) posture turned toward his wayward son, or he would never have seen him coming home from such a distance. I love the picture here. A heart open to the other, even if far away. A heart that is generously seeking the good in another, even when badness appears to be the only, or last, reality. A heart that is open to trusting that God will continue to pursue the good of the other, even when our ability falls short. When I reflect on turning points in my life, each one was prompted by the generous spirit of another: one who saw potential where I saw none; one who saw beyond my failures and sinful ways even when they held me accountable; one who continued to want my best even when I harmed them. Yes, the tension of holding the â&#x20AC;&#x153;goodness and badnessâ&#x20AC;? together is difficult, but necessary. My hope and prayer is that whatever healing in terms of our emotional health we gain, it is turned outward into love, grace, mercy, and generosity to others. 39

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Visit my site! jennyheckman.com

A: This past year I turned 50. Something kicked in right around that birthday that I believe God orchestrates for every person at this age. It comes in the form of questions: How do I want people to remember me when I am no longer here? How well have I loved? What needs to happen in the next stage of life for me to be the kind of person I desire others to be for and to me? For those of you younger or older than age 50â&#x20AC;Śit is never too early or late to ask these questions. Asking the questions and making changes can be uncomfortable and even painful. But, if we stick with the process, it always leads to greater liberation to actually be the people God has designed us to be. So, what are the qualities of a person who loves well, and is emotionally healthy and available to others? Using metaphors of the human eyes, ears, and heart, a brief list follows.

This certainly does not mean that we navel-gaze, or become hyper-vigilant to our faults. Nor does it mean we do not embrace and celebrate the good parts of ourselves. However, being unafraid to deal with what is not yet transformed is essential to loving well and being available to others.

encouragement / chronic

hope

The Promise of Perseverance by Adriana Hayes

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Adriana Hayes is a freelance illustrator, professor, writer, and speaker who finds joy in helping others discover how God can bring “chronic hope” into their lives. She lives in Milwaukee, Wis., with her husband, Chris, and daughter, Promise.

Visit my sites! chronichopeblog. wordpress.com or madebyadri.com

This past April, I had the opportunity to speak at a women’s retreat in Prescott, Ariz. The conference spanned Friday to Sunday and I spoke four times. The theme of the conference was “Enduring Hope” and the circumstances surrounding my invitation were nothing short of God orchestrated (visit my blog for more details on that!). They had chosen Romans 5:3-5 as their passage: “Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us” (NASB). Given my long-standing history with suffering, I was familiar with this passage. As I began to dig deep into it, asking the Holy Spirit to give me fresh insight, while pouring over commentaries and podcasts, a few things jumped out at me that I’d love to share with you. First, I strongly felt the Holy Spirit urging me to lead a public invitation for salvation on the first night of the conference. I know this thought was Spirit led because I have never done this publicly, I always feel slightly uncomfortable when speakers do this, and the traditional formula for doing this is to wait until the end of the conference to extend the invitation. In verse 5, it says, “God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.” It is talking about the personal experience of God working in our lives

because of the justification we have received with God through His Son Jesus Christ (vs. 1). Without first receiving this justification through Jesus Christ (salvation) I knew it would be impossible for women to understand this challenging concept of having joy in our sufferings. It is something we can only experience and begin to understand because of the Holy Spirit that is given to us as a deposit when we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. The second point that jumped out at me is that we must only persevere through difficult things in life. It seems like an obvious point, but it’s important to chew on for a minute. Perseverance is a character quality that most of us would like to have in our lives. But the road to getting there is not easy. Therefore, we must joyfully welcome the suffering that comes into our lives with the foresight of the perseverance that it will produce. Then, once we’ve continued through the suffering we will see that we have character. A more accurate way of phrasing this is how the original text says, “proven character.” It’s character that has been through the testing and refining process. To prove that gold is genuine, it requires an intense season of heating

up and cooling down. The Christian music group Need to Breathe has a song called Hard Love featuring Lauren Daigle and in it they have the powerful phrase: It’s not enough to just feel the flame / You’ve gotta burn your old self away. We do that, so that the only reflection we can see at the end of our suffering is one of genuine faith. A faith that is proved more valuable than any gold or silver. And then, as we see that our faith is real, that brings us great hope. Hope that we will need the next time we are tempted to despair when suffering enters our lives. This process is cyclical, not linear, as I was tempted to think of it when I first read it. I’m so thankful that verse five is also included in this passage because, honestly, when the suffering re-enters my life and the hope I had felt becomes a distant memory, it can be tempting to doubt how genuine my faith really is. That is when God gives us these perfectly timed gifts of pouring out His love into our hearts. It’s an experience that cannot be logically or formulaically produced. It is personal, real, and life changing. And it will produce in you an enduring hope.

it is well / encouragement

...with My Story by Elizabeth Murphy

Elizabeth Murphy has been a soughtafter speaker for the last 15 years. She serves on several non-profit boards, teaches a Bible study, and is an author and regular columnist for Just Between Us. She and her husband, Mike, have four sons and are grandparents to twins. They live in Brookfield, Wis.

2. She let God tell her who she was. She was someone worthy of his attention (John 4:7,10), whose circumstances He could use for His glory (vs. 13-14), and whose sin He could overcome (vs. 16-17). Hard circumstances and embarrassing sin are often the lens we look through when trying to tell our story, but God sees things so differently. He looks through the lens of love and loves what He sees. This should free us. 3. She left many of the details with God. “Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, ‘Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?’” (vs. 28-29). The water jar represented her struggle and her journey to Him, but it wasn’t the most important part of her story. The details of our story are so important to us and to God and we can talk to Him about them over and over again, but we need to choose how to share them carefully or they can become a distraction to the listening or reading audience. 4. She began her story with Jesus. “He told me everything I ever did.” (vs. 39). The “I” part is the illustration; the story is about Jesus.

5. She shared what she knew. It’s so easy to think we need perfect, practiced words or years of study and accumulated Bible knowledge, but God wants to start with the story we have right now. The woman at the well met Jesus very briefly and it changed her life; that was what she knew, and it was enough. 6. She pointed the crowd to Jesus. “We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man is the Savior of the world” (vs. 42). 7. She left the results to Jesus. This is often the hardest part. At the end of every story there is a question I ask myself and those I work with, “Who will get the glory?” If it’s me, my circumstances, or my sin I need to start over, pray through Psalm 51:10-13, and rest in the confidence that God can tell His own story very well, but thank Him that He uses such ordinary broken vessels to do it—and when He does, it is well with my story!

Ministry on the Go Make up body care packages for homeless people in your town. 41

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Visit my site! espeaks.net

As a story coach, I help others tell their stories. I’ve served in this role as a professional and as a volunteer for a ministry that works with women coming out of human trafficking, as a Bible teacher helping young college-age women use their stories to reach their peers for Jesus, and as a friend, sharing coffee. All with the goal of helping women reduce their lifetime of testimonies down to a shareable size. Some stories are so hard, we have to walk through them very slowly, one tearful step at a time, while others are a delight from beginning to end. However, they all need to have one thing in common when shared for God’s purposes—He needs to be the hero of every story told on His behalf. That is the only way to share a God story well. Scripture gives us a model of how to do this with the story of the woman at the well in John 4. What did the Samaritan woman do? 1. She spent time with Jesus. She brought her confusion, her doubt, her circumstances, and her sin to Him. This is what prayer does in our lives. It puts us in a posture of humility before we step into the spotlight. We can pray “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways and sinners will turn back to you” (Ps. 51:10-13).

encouragement / the

homefront

Lost in Translation by Pam Farrel

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Pam Farrel is a bestselling author of 40 books including Simple Skills for Every Woman. She has been happily married for 37 years and enjoys traveling. Pam and her husband, Bill, live on a houseboat in Oxnard, Calif.

Visit my site! Love-Wise.com

...let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth (1 John 3:18). We have a goal to visit the countries that represent the 12 languages our book, Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti, has been translated into. Because we cross cultures, translators often accompany us. They take what we are saying and reword our thoughts and intentions, so that a clear message is communicated. Often they do not translate word-for-word, but instead adapt to carry the main concept, so the listener gains the heart of the intent. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could each have a marital translator? Someone who steps in when we are misunderstanding each other? Good news! The Holy Spirit can be that translator. No one knows your mate like God, so the whisper of the Spirit can help you look past the misstatement or the poorly worded sentence into the heart of intent of your husband. Love gives the benefit of the doubt. The apostle Paul puts it this way in Phil. 1:7: “It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart.” “In my heart,” means you carry the person inside in a way that is open-minded. When the apostle Paul wrote this, he was complimenting his friends. It did not matter whether Paul was under arrest…or free; his friends at Philippi shared with him in what God was doing through him… Paul praised them for their concern. That is a very good place to be in a marriage: • Concerned for the other • Carrying the other

• Complimenting the other When you carry each other in your hearts, you assume the best about your husband and his words. When you quit carrying him “in your heart,” it becomes all about behavior. The problem with a behavior-based relationship is that no one can behave well enough for long enough to keep a relationship going. It is much better to carry your husband in your heart, giving him the benefit of the doubt, believing he too wants the best for your love. Next time your feelings are hurt over specific words, go a little deeper and do these simple steps to help your love L.A.S.T.:

LOOK to the Heart of Your Husband

What does he have on his heart concerning you? Have you prayed and asked God for insight? You cannot judge motives, so have you calmly asked your husband to reword his comment? He might do better with a second opportunity to reveal intentions and meaning.

ASSUME He is Concerned for Your Best Interest

Have you stopped to look beyond the fumbled words or upset attitude to see if your husband was attempting to be kind, generous, willing, or cooperative? Have you looked at the situation assuming he meant the

best for you and your relationship? Have you asked God to help you see your relationship from a more heaven-sent viewpoint?

The whisper of the Spirit can help you look past the misstatement...into the heart of intent of your husband. SPEAK Assuring Words

Have you tried a gentle answer? Have you tried speaking something peaceful or calming like, “I know we will get through this together?” Have you prayed and asked God to help you be creative in your conversation?

THANK Him for Having a History of Loving You

Have you asked God to help you remember the moments he has tried his best to love you? Speak words of gratitude, thankfulness, and appreciation. If you want a long-lasting love, carry your husband in your heart— and assume the best about him, your marriage, and your future.

Being used by God is an adventure you wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to miss! TellingTheTruth.org

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L E A R N M O R E AT

encouragement / the

deeper life

The Lord is My Shepherd by Melva L. Henderson

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Melva L. Henderson is an author and speaker. Additionally, she is the founder of The Milwaukee Give, a humanitarian outreach, and co-founder of World Outreach and Bible Training Center, Inc. Melva is wife to pastor Ervin L. Henderson, mother of five, and grandmother of two. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.

Visit my sites! Melvahenderson.org, worldoutreachbtc.org

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever” (Ps. 23, KJV). A shepherd wrote Psalm 23. A man personally acquainted with caring for sheep; his name was King David. Once the head shepherd over his father’s flock, David understood what it took to provide and care for sheep. Through his own experience, he writes Psalm 23 as a revelation of who God is in our lives. Through his psalm, we receive an up-close and personal vision of how we, the sheep of His pasture (Ps. 100:3) are loved and cared for by our heavenly Father. When we identify as His sheep acknowledging Him as our Shepherd, we posture ourselves under His authority because we realize our life is not our own. Our total dependency is on Him, and that dependency results in a lifetime of His divine care and provision. God wants the grass green all around us. He desires that we live in a place where the waters are peaceful and still. Where there is no concern for

food, shelter, or provision. Not even the presence of predators will move us because as our Good Shepherd, God is always there—providing, watching, and protecting. Every day, the Father longs to lead us to pastures plush and green, those filled with everything we need to be nourished and to grow. And following His lead becomes easy when our soul is at rest. A rested soul is a trusting soul—one that looks in the direction of the Shepherd in times of trouble. It’s a soul that doesn’t lean to its own understanding (Prov. 3:5); it doesn’t worry, stress, or refuse to follow because, in every circumstance, it believes the Shepherd knows what is best. A resting soul isn’t a resisting soul. It follows the promptings of the Shepherd to lie down, which means to stretch or lie out where pastures are greenest, even when enemies are watching. David said the Shepherd makes the sheep lie down, and this is important to note because as members of God’s sheepfold, many of us run ourselves ragged mentally and physically when the Shepherd is trying to still us. We are busy moving and shaking, but we fail to make time to rest our soul. So the Father has to make us lie down. He desires to silence our soul in His presence. To have times where His loving care

makes us aware of how we allow the concerns of this world to dictate our lives. Yes, we have responsibilities, but when we lie down and bask in times of silence in His presence, we become aware of all that we must do while at the same time recognize His grace that enables and empowers us to do it. When our souls (mind, will, and emotions) become overwhelmed or exhausted, we won’t have the strength to follow our Shepherd. He wants to relieve the pressures and stresses of life that come as a result of expending ourselves beyond our daily grace. The Good Shepherd longs to lighten our load and He can when we silence ourselves and submit to His voice. Each day carries grace for itself, and when we live in the grace that God has allocated to us, He leads us to places of refreshing where we can shut out the world allowing Him to care for and refuel us; to clear our head and minister to our heart. Our Father is the Great Shepherd, and He longs for you and me to stretch out and enjoy His goodness.

Ministry on the Go Leave a thank-you note for your mailman.

digital wellness / encouragement

Blocking Your Cyberbully by Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd

Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd is a popular speaker, author, and life coach. She currently serves as the Founder and Executive Director of The Digital Wellness Center where she teaches a healthy use and theology of technology.

5 WAYS TO STOP CYBERBULLYING 1. Tell them to stop. Writing a clear message to the bully telling

don’t tell their parents about bullying online or offline. So, if your child’s losing sleep or doesn’t want to go to school or seems agitated when on their computer or phone, ask why as calmly and open-heartedly as possible. Feel free to ask if it has anything to do with mean behavior or social issues. However, even if it does, don’t assume it’s bullying. You won’t know until you get the full story, starting with your child’s perspective.

3. Make copies of all contact with the bully. You cannot make a case to the authorities about a bully if you have no physical evidence to support your claim. Take screenshots, copy the messages to a document, print them out, etc. It’s always best to have hard copies anyway, in case something happens to your computer or phone. 4. Block the bully. Remove their contact information from your phone/computer/social media/ etc. They can’t bother or abuse you if they can’t reach you. 5. Report the bully to the authorities. Most young people

Once you know they are being cyberbullied, tell your school administration, the online service providers, mentor, law enforcement, etc. Whom you contact is all determined on where the bullying is taking place. If the cyberbully has threatened you, your family, or anyone else with physical harm you need to contact the police immediately, or file a report for your child if they are a minor. Cyberbullying may never stop, but that doesn’t mean that you or your loved ones have to just sit there and take the abuse. Speak up, fight for yourself, and make a difference, one bully at a time. 45

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Visit my site! ThriveInRealLife.com

If you have children using screens, you either have encountered or will encounter cyberbullying. By definition, cyberbullying is “the act of harassing someone online by sending or posting mean messages, usually anonymously.” In today’s world, cyberbullying is a serious issue. According to the Cyberbullying Research Center, between 2007 and 2015, the average lifetime cyberbullying victimization rate was 26.3 percent. The most recent study they conducted was last year (2017) on a group of 457 students. Of those 457 students, 34.4 percent said they were constantly (lifetime) cyberbullied, 15 percent said they had been cyberbullied in the previous 30 days, and 21 percent said they had been cyberbullied one or more times in the previous 30 days. With all that bullying going on, one would think that the victims would alert someone to their abuse. However, according to nobullying.com, “only 1 in 10 victims will inform a parent or trusted adult of their abuse” and they are “two to nine times more likely to consider committing suicide.” Maybe they’re too scared to tell someone. Maybe they don’t want to get hurt any more than they already are. Maybe they somehow think they deserve to be bullied. Maybe they just don’t know how or who to go to? Whatever the reason, the fact still stands: people aren’t reporting cyberbullying. Here are some tips to share with your children on how to stop cyberbullying.

them not to contact you again probably won’t prevent them from attempting to bully you further, but it does help when you present evidence to the authorities. 2. Don’t respond to the bully. Cyberbullies, and bullies in general, thrive off of fear and negative responses to their abuse. By not responding, you may not completely end the bullying, but there is the chance that they will get bored with you and your lack of response.

encouragement / between

friends

Words You Don’t Want to Hear by Shelly Esser

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Shelly Esser is editor of Just Between Us. Additionally, she has served on the Board of the Pastoral Leadership Institute. She and her husband have four daughters and a son-in-law, and live in Menomonee Falls, Wis.

Email me! sesser@elmbrook.org

Words are powerful. There are some words in our lives that we will never forget. “You have cancer.” “Your mother-in-law has been killed in a car accident.” “Your child is on drugs.” “Your teenage daughter is pregnant.” “You need surgery.” “You’re fired.” “You have bipolar disorder.” “I don’t love you anymore.” And the list goes on. The one thing they all have in common is the way they turn our worlds upside down and change our lives forever. I have heard those kinds of impacting words many times throughout my life—and just thinking about them still puts a knot in my stomach like hearing them for the very first time. Not too long ago, I heard some new words I never could have imagined hearing—words that have pierced my heart to the core. Words that I am wrestling to accept. Words, quite frankly, that I don’t always know what to do with. When we’re left only with sorrow, confusion, disbelief, failure, and feelings of hopelessness, we need to turn to the only words—the Word— that can bring comfort and healing, and reinstate our hope when it’s all but disappeared. When I look back at the words I didn’t want to hear, I see a pattern. They have not been the only words that I have heard. If they were, they would leave only a vacuum of hopelessness behind. In those moments of disbelief or shock, there have always been God’s coinciding words that are bigger and more powerful than the words I never wanted to hear. They are words that I have faithfully stored in my heart and laid as the foundation of my life day by

day. Words that I have gone to regularly to invest in my relationship with Christ. Words that His Spirit has pulled out and into my hour of need. Words that have always been bigger and greater than any human words I could ever hear. Those words—His—have changed my life in even greater ways. They have been the words that have anchored my soul and that the Holy Spirit has used to give me the strength to go on when I wanted to crawl under my covers and never face the world again. They have been the words that have reminded me that God will never leave me alone—He’s right here with me to face the fallout. I hang onto His Words when nothing else makes sense, and when human words threaten my peace. When I looked at the impossibility of those words and said, “I can’t;” He met me with His Word and said, “You can.” Why? Because God’s Word speaks the truth we are desperate to hear, even as we weep with grief. Even when our feelings tell us “I will never feel good again,” we can hold tightly to the truth that God “heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds” (Ps. 147:3). Like you, I’ve been brokenhearted and crushed in spirit more times than I care to count. It’s in these bitter moments that we need to confront our very real fears with His words that will soothe our fears and reshape our thoughts and feelings. It’s His words we need the most when the words we hear about our life are the harshest. Without fail, God’s words have al-

ways been the only words that have the ability to breathe LIFE into our hurting souls! Psalm 119 is an entire chapter on the benefits of God’s Word. And how many times has Psalm 34:18, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted: and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” been a comfort and balm to our fractured souls? I know it has mine. When you and I are feeling the strain of the words we never wanted to hear, get out God’s Word and pore over it or ask God to recall it to you. Words like Hebrews 13:5: “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” Or 2 Chronicles 20:12b: “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you” or “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:13). Strength for the health diagnosis, strength for the circumstances spinning out of control, strength for the rejection—strength for anything and everything that comes our way! “The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me” (Ps. 28:7). My journal is filled with words God has spoken into my heart sustaining me through “the words I never wanted to hear” circumstances. It’s at those times that we can turn to the only words that can bring lasting peace, comfort, strength, and hope. Psalm 112:7 says, “[She] will have no fear of bad news; [her] heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.”

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“This series was birthed out of the joy I experience in God’s diverse kingdom. Each book focuses on relationships as the avenue for teachable conversation on relevant issues. My hope is that readers see God’s intentional design in our skin color and appreciate the value in our unique gifts and abilities!”

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