Relationships: You & Your Family

Benny Bong has been a family and marital therapist for more than 30 years, and is a certified work-life consultant. He was the first recipient of the AWARE Hero Award, received in 2011, and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.

Each time I run my counselling course, I set the students an essay that asks them to draw their family tree and examine how their family has shaped them. This exercise can be illuminating as they trace how their values, habits and even temperament may be linked with their parents’ and with family events during their growing years.

Over the years of reading their life stories, I have observed several common themes. This is amazing, considering how my students range in age from their late twenties to mid-fifties, and come from countries across Southeast Asia and from diverse cultural backgrounds.

One commonality is the role of their fathers and how they saw their fathers. Each father was a version of another and even of their fathers before them! It is as if the fathers were cookies cut from the same mould. While some did not fit the mould, they were exceptions rather than the rule.

Let me begin with the role that their fathers played in the family. Usually seen as the provider for the family, the father was absent most of the time as he was busy working to “bring home the bacon” to feed the family.

This led to the mother taking responsibility for minding the home and children. She was the “go-to” person when the children needed soothing or if the school had a query about the children. This division of duties did not change even if the mother had a paying job outside too—she was still expected to be on top of things relating to the home or children.

What part then did the father play? He was usually the one making the BIG decisions, like house-moving and big item purchases, as well as taking the disciplinarian role. It is little surprise that many fathers were seen as distant authoritarian figures. Conversely, other fathers were very indulgent towards their children, perhaps as a way of compensating for being mostly absent. Or perhaps, in the little time they did spend with their children, they preferred to focus on happier interactions rather than enforcing rules or punishing their children. In such families, mothers had to function—sometimes resentfully —as single parents, doing double duty as disciplinarian and nurturer.

From more recent students’ family stories, though, I see that the days of the cookie-cutter distant father are numbered. It may be because more mothers are working outside or appreciation for mothers’ contributions has grown.

At the same time, more and more fathers want to be involved in the home and in raising their children. For instance, they enjoy cooking for the family, or doing leisure and learning activities together with their children to get to know them better.

This sea change may stem from greater awareness that fathers are important for more than providing for their families. That their active involvement contributes to family stability and their children’s well-being. That their loving support provides a positive role model. Moreover, marital bonds grow stronger when the mothers feel that the parenting load is shared.

Finally, many fathers recognise that being involved enriches their own lives. They enjoy deeper bonds with their family and their emotional lives are enriched by giving and investing in others. Fatherhood, it seems, is good for a person’s personhood.