Relationships—You & Your Family

Benny Bong has been a family and marital therapist for more than 30 years, and is a certified work-life consultant. He was the first recipient of the AWARE Hero Award, received in 2011, and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.

Many of us go through life not giving much thought to the question of “Who am I?”

Identity documents such as our identity card or passport are commonly taken as proof of who we say we are, but they carry only a small bit of information about us. They do not tell who we really are.

One important aspect of who we are is the roles we play in close and enduring relationships, e.g. between spouses or among family members.

Amazing Grace has prepared these few measures to allow families to have a meaningful and dignified farewell for their loved ones:

A. Online Ticketing Complimentary online ticketing system to allow visitors to reserve a visiting time slot and plan their visits, allowing families to keep within the regulated maximum number of persons at any one time with minimal coordination. B. Online Memorial allows friends to find updated information and offer their sympathies to bereaved families

this option is available to enable friends and families to participate in the wake/vigil and funeral services online families may appoint a PayNow account of a family member to receive donations. This will be posted on the online memorial.

Take for instance a client who came to see me about managing his anger. His violent disposition had led to his living apart for the past five years from his wife of 20 years and their three children. After an especially violent altercation with his elder daughter, he had been asked to move out. Living apart had its advantages—when things in the home got too tense, he could leave and the family was shielded from his aggression. However, it also meant that he did not have to work at managing his temper; his identity as a violent man became entrenched.

Recently, his wife raised the question of whether he had plans to move home as she felt she was in limbo—married yet living apart. Though not living together, he has been visiting almost every day and running errands like ferrying the children to school and tuition classes. He and his wife frequently went on dates and they continued to be physically intimate. All this suggests a close, functioning relationship. Yet, both seem to fear that his moving back may jeopardise the status quo.

In examining the triggers that set off his temper, one is his frustration when trying to get close to his family.

When his efforts are rebuffed, either because his impatience is evident or they recall his past aggression, he feels like his identity as a violent man is hard to shake off.

This led us to talk about the role he wants to play and what he is allowed to assume. He wants to be a spouse and co-parent. But past hurts and distrust make his family limit his role to being a companion to his wife, financial provider and family chauffeur, which falls short of what he wants. However, as I explained to him, wanting to play a role is only half the formula as the desired role must be welcomed by others. This mutuality of playing the part that others want or allow is especially important in the case of my client, who had long been domineering and controlling of others. The hope is that, with his newfound willingness to respect the family’s wishes, they will grow more confident in allowing him to be more involved in their lives.

What roles are you playing? How do they match with the roles you wish to play? Are the roles expected of you causing you strain? Are they too many for you to cope with? Are certain roles expected of you in conflict with each other (like a wife whose husband expects her to support him in his ambitions but who is concerned by the negative impact on his health)?

If some of these situations ring true for you, it might perhaps account for your wondering, “Who am I really?”

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